5 Abandoned Tom Selleck / Ted Danson Buddy Shows Hollywood Didn’t Have The Balls To Make
It’s rare that two careers enjoy the same twin twilight resurgence as those of Tom Selleck and Ted Danson. For a dark period at the dawn of the new millennium, however, the spotlight had turned away from this once-mustachioed private eye and his broadcast bartender colleague, leading their respective agents to team up in a bid to jumpstart their flat-lined public profiles with a series of potential projects that died on the vine before they could make to the cable box.
Check out these five Selleck and Danson buddy flicks Hollywood didn’t have the balls to make and see if you agree with the Nielsen gatekeepers.
1. All Of The Buffalo
This unusual take on the serial killer trope sees Tom Selleck as a rogue cop trying to solve a string of murders in a small town, with Danson playing the local restaurateur whose ‘sweet meats’ have more IQ than the typical heifer. Because he’s a cannibal. Controversy over the pilot’s extended ‘buffet scene’ ultimately sank any hopes of the quirky comedy ever making it to air.
2. 50 Gallons
In a precursor to the reality TV craze that would later sweep through cable television, Selleck and Danson take turns challenging each other to drink 50 gallons of whatever liquid might be sitting in a black steel drum that’s wheeled into the studio by men wearing masks and white containment suits. The show was cancelled when producers couldn’t pin down a reliable source of bull semen.
3. Arrest Yourself
Ted Danson’s morally-conflicted character commits a series of crimes and ‘arrests himself’ immediately afterwards, while Tom Selleck attempts to represent him in a court of law despite having less than a high school education. L.A. Weekly described the show as ‘offensive to middle America on a level previously thought impossible via the televised medium.’
4. Tokyo Drifter
Intended to capture the excitement surrounding the third installment in the ‘Fast and Furious’ series, ‘Tokyo Drifter’ went in an unexpected direction by casting Selleck as a murderous blind hobo intent on killing anything with a face, and Danson as the faceless cop who is the only one with the power to stop him. The series was grounded after the excitement surrounding the third installment in the ‘Fast and Furious’ series failed to materialize.
5. Angry Amish Country
Selleck’s depiction of an Amish man with Tourette’s trying to hold down a job at Danson’s feed and supply store inadvertently triggered the ‘soft swearing’ craze that for a brief period would compete with mumblecore for the attentions of Millennials. Limited episodes are still available on YouTube, whose existence the Amish Council for the Arts (which initially funded the ‘photoplay’) is completely unaware of.