5 Actors So Buff You Stopped Going To The Gym
Is there anything more demoralizing – aside from looking in the mirror at your own naked body – than celebrities who have achieved feats of fitness that will elude you until you’re dead and buried in the cold, hard ground? We’re talking about actors so unbelievably muscular that it obliterates any desire you may have once had to make some type of positive change in your own lifestyle.
These buff actor bros have got it so locked down that you might as well just make a milkshake out of Oreos, icing sugar, and bacon, and then curl up until hypoglycemic shock takes you away to a better, less judgmental place.
1. Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Reynolds is so motherfucking buff that he’s been able to withstand career-destroying flops like Green Lantern and R.I.P.D. through the sheer outrageous force of his abs alone. Seriously – Self/less would have killed lesser men, but for Canadian Biceps Reynolds it was a mere stepping stone to comic book immortality in Deadpool. And you can’t even do 20 minutes on the Stairmaster.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
At this point in his life, Arnie’s got those scary-ass old man muscles – you know, the ones so ropey you could probably tied his triceps up at the dock in a hurricane and not worry about him blowing away into the darkness. Schwarzenegger has the body of a sun-damaged 35 year old at almost double that age, while you’ve got the physique of a professional pie-eating regional runner-up on a TLC reality show.
3. Sylvester Stallone
If you were as dedicated to not eating donuts as Stallone is at scarfing down human growth hormone, then maybe you’d be the King of Miami, too.
4. Channing Tatum
When Channing Tatum strips down in Magic Mike, do you feel every single inch of muscle tissue in your body start to quiver in fear – fear that it, too, will be subjected to the kind of discipline that has sculpted this god of among men out of mere human flesh? Relax, you pitiful slab of flab: there’s no danger that you’ll be called upon to do anything more strenuous than head down to the 7/11 for more Doritos.
5. John Cena
Aren’t John Cena and Channing Tatum the same person? We’ve never seen them in the same room together – and in fact, we’ve never seen you in the same room with a piece of exercise equipment that wasn’t doubling as a clothes hanger. Coincidence? You decide, tubby.