5 Best Amazon Prime Day Deals For Men Who Might Be Dead Inside

Man shopping online from home using credit card and laptop.

Amazon Prime Day is a great way to forget that credit card debt must one day be paid back from the slim wages you extract from the grim economic machinery that imprisons us all. Spend, spend, spend, and don’t worry about tomorrow, because we’ve got you covered with these 5 best Amazon Prime Day deals for men.

1. Empty Jar To Fill With Insecurities – $7.99 (down from $15.99)

Jar is opaque to prevent having to come to terms with anything that might fit inside of it. Also offers scream-fill cap and durable regret-proof, impossible-to-open lid.

2. Your Lost 20s – $54.99 (down from $154.99)

Wipe the slate clean with years not spent pursuing meaningless promotions and trophy girlfriends / cars / vacations. Note: impossible to ship, must be picked up from an Amazon distribution center.

3. Some Kind Of Balm For Your Scrotum / Neck – $2.99 (down from $3.49)

Neither of those things are getting any younger – or tighter.

4. Blurry Photo Of Your Dad – $10.99 (down from unobtainable)

You never spent much time together when he was alive, but thanks to spooky action at a distance Amazon has been able to aim its cameras into the past and capture a poignant moment between probably you and probably your dad, probably from this dimensional incursion on the quantum level.

5. Inflatable Movie Companion – $36.99 (down from $64.59)

Made of life-like memory foam, full-size adult expands silently in the back row of your local multiplex so that you don’t feel so terribly, terribly isolated while watching a movie you’ll have no one to talk to about the next day.

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