5 Big Things Every Guy In His 20s Worries About, Because It’s All About You

Portrait Of Serious, Young African American Man

According to our on-staff robot therapist, anxiety is just another term for endlessly computing the potential outcome of every possible decision. What better time to embrace this Sisyphean task than in your 20s, when your complete lack of life experience dovetails perfectly with a level of introspection and narcissism that keeps magazines like Maxim in business.

Check out these 5 big things every guy in his 20s worries about, because he’s incapable of looking anywhere but in the mirror.

1. Getting Married Before Mee-Maw Dies

All she wanted was to watch you walk down the aisle with the love of your life someone you get along with decently well a person who you tricked into thinking you are better than you are your fifth choice. You couldn’t even give her that, could you? And to think, she always had a 10 dollar bill and a confusingly racist comment about her neighbor ready for you on your birthday.

2. Experiencing The Crushing Debt Cycle Of Home Ownership

A starter home gets you to a bigger house gets you to a McMansion you can’t afford, but you’ll never win this race if you don’t invest your meager savings into a shit-box one-bedroom condo in a neighborhood that still smells like the tuna cannery it was built on. What are you waiting for?

3. Having A Below-Average Penis

Statistically, 95 percent of men don’t know how to use a ruler. This won’t change as you get older.

4. Getting Fired. Again.

Don’t worry, there’s always a Dennys in a town just a few miles away from home where you can earn the same prison-level wage that’s kept you locked into a lease you can almost afford for most of the third decade of your life.

5. Having Kids That You’re Willing To Acknowledge

An outside family is good enough, really. So you’re not there on Christmas, or birthdays, or graduation, or Cinco de Mayo, or that ballet recital. Does it really matter? After all, you drop-shipped them that really sweet Xbox, right?

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