5 Celebrity Deaths that will Boost our Page Views in 2017 (RIP)

There’s nothing better for a pop culture website’s traffic than to have somebody famous kick the bucket. As soon as the rumors start to swirl, the Manonizer Celebrity Death Monetization Team jumps into action, lining up career retrospectives, interviewing grieving spouses, churning out listicles, and posting fawning tributes regardless of how past their prime the deceased might have been, or how far their star may have fallen prior to reinvigorating their careers by, well, dying.

Check out these 5 celebrity deaths that we predict will boost our page views in 2017.

1. Dennis Rodman

If there was anyone on life number eight out of their nine allotted, it’s The Worm. Dennis Rodman can only befriend so many dictators and betray the nWo so many times before it catches up to him and puts him in the ground. The only question remains: will he die in a paragliding accident, from a massive overdose of ‘crocodil,’ or during a controversial Finnish wife-carrying contest?

 

2. Sylvester Stallone

It’s fairly clear to everyone that 2017 will be the year that Sylvester Stallone’s body explodes while filming a direct-to-DVD action sequel due to a tragic mixture of human growth hormone combined with gypsy tears and whatever voodoo allows him to appear two feet taller than he actually is on camera.

 

 

 

3. Jennifer Lawrence

J-Law eats it in 2017, but not how you think. Nope, there’s no controversy here, unless you take issue with her decision to rescue a group of school children from the jaws of a great white shark off the coast of Malibu. She doesn’t die by shark attack, either, but rather from exhaustion while attempting to resuscitate the magnificent and endangered animal on the beach after kicking the shit out of it mere moments beforehand.

 

 

4. Kevin Spacey

Kevin Spacey’s body is never found after his personal submersible (K-PAX-DEEP) disappears off of Martha’s Vineyard one foggy evening. Reports of a Somali pirate matching Spacey’s description are persistent throughout the year, but never substantiated.

 

 

5. Vin Diesel

Revealed as an alien life force sent to Earth to learn how to love, and be loved, Vin Diesel abandons his human body to rejoin the orb of pure energy that gave him birth. Mission accomplished, Vin. Mission accomplished.