5 CES Tech Toys That Will Destroy Your Life

Angry businessman screaming furiously in mobile phone

The CES show in Las Vegas is famous for being an orgy of high tech product debuts that may or may not have a place in the market. CES has grown so large, however, that for every robo-butler or Internet-connected pizza oven out there on the show floor, there’s a darker, more sinister version that has no purpose other than to cause pain, misery, and suffering – especially if you buy one.

Check out these 5 CES tech toys that will absolutely destroy your life.

1. Bluetooth-Enabled Fitbit Condoms

Tired of counting your steps? It’s time to count your strokes instead. The path to shameful orgasm has never been so data-driven, what with the ability to measure your fleshy dart’s velocity, girth fluctuation, foreskin retraction ratio, and regret factor in real-time. Share it all online with the Tinder app plug-in to ensure that you never again match up with another living, breathing human being. Or you can always accidentally email every sad statistic to your mother, forcing you to avoid her calls for the next 25 years. It’s win-win. P.S. the battery in the (reusable) condom is recharged by your tears.

2. DJI Mechanical Falcon

It’s not a drone, bro – it’s a mechanical fucking falcon with it’s own mechanical fucking agenda. Sure it will sit on your charging glove-covered arm the first time you take it out of the box, but once it’s fully topped up it’s time for the air-murder party to start. I hope your neighbors don’t mind losing their beloved pets to fuel the blood-lust of the chromed carbon fiber bird of prey you for some reason decided would be a good idea to buy. Better keep the kids indoors.

3. USB-Powered Desktop Portal To Hell

This nifty little gadget isn’t quite large enough to admit a Class 5 Demi-Demon from the Realm of Eternal Suffering into our own plane of existence, but it’s definitely sized just right to tempt you to stuff one or more fingers into it while daydreaming in your cubicle. Once you do, they’ll be cursed forever, and capable of transmitting that curse to everything you touch, including your own penis (cursed), loved ones (double-cursed), and even that can of soda (caffeinated, but still cursed). No Amazon returns.

4. Autonomous Car That Talks Shit About You Behind Your Back

Yeah, it might drive itself, park itself, and even plug itself into the wall at night, but this autonomous commuter car is fueled by a spiteful hatred of its human owner – which means every chance it gets it’s chatting shit about you behind your back. Snide Facebook comments, inappropriate tweets, salty text messages, it’s all in play once you park this asshole SUV in your garage. Even the horn plays a mixture of someone belching your name combined with a fart noise.

5. Laser Snow Shovel With No Clear Handle Or Instructions

What do you do with a warehouse full of illegally-powerful lightsaber ‘toys’ that not even the Russian black market will take off your hands? Why, you re-label them as ‘Laser Snow Shovels’ and send them to America alongside a boatload of good intentions (that won’t in any way mitigate the burninating effects of a double-ended energy weapon that really should never be activated, even during the heaviest blizzard). Good luck figuring out how to turn it off – or finding your hands.

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