5 Colognes To Conceal Your Weak Pheromones Without Resorting To A Suit Made Of Human Skin

It’s not just the way you dress that makes women and animals avoid eye contact with you – no, it’s also the undeniable truth about your weak genes being broadcast 24/7 by the invisible failure pheromones that follow you like a constant cloud. You might not be able to detect the message they’re sending out, but to the opposite sex it’s like a blinking neon sign that says ‘UNFUCKABLE’ with an arrow pointing directly at your crotch.

Is there anything you can do to fight against the double helix of sadness responsible for your weak pheromonal make-up? Of course there is – we’ve got your back with 5 colognes that will conceal the sad trombone handed down to you by your bloodline. Or you could just wear a suit made out of human skin. It’s really up to you.

1. Kerosene

There’s really not much that bathing your sallow skin in kerosene won’t kill, but even dabbing a bit on your wrists and at the base of your back will go a long way towards shifting the conversation away from ‘you look like you’re still half-fetus’ to ‘should I open a window before we suffocate?’ It will also distract her from the suit of human skin you’ve been openly wearing in public for two weeks now.

2. Powdered Sugar

It’s a toss-up between sweet powdered sugar and savory yeast, but given the fact that you can’t even keep a plant alive for more than a week, the chances you’d be able to regularly culture yeast outside of your gym shorts and soccer cleats is probably zero. Hell, you couldn’t even keep your skin suit from drying out in the sun.

3. Colony of Sentient Ants

Why did you agree to that experiment in college? Why did you sign a waiver that would allow scientists to implant a microscopic colony of sentient ants under your skin with the promise that they would only activate on your 24th birthday, completely rewriting your DNA with ‘unpredictable’ results? Oh yeah, it’s because you needed that free pizza and $50 gift certificate to GameSpot. In any case, your sacrifice of self is about to pay off by replacing your weak pheromones with whatever it is comes out of the ass of one million sentient ants trapped inside a suit made of human skin.

4. A Suit Made Of Human Skin

We’re not sure how much of your victim’s donor’s pheromonal make-up survived you elaborate ‘tanning’ process, but that skin suit is just as likely as anything else to break the ice at a party. Just make sure she’s not actually dialing ‘911’ when she says she’s adding your number to her phone, because the cops are totally not chill about skin suits, man.

5. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s Sweat

If you can get close enough at the next red carpet movie premier to soak up some of The Rock’s sweat as he stands under the bright TV lights giving interview after interview about the all-female reboot of ‘Entourage’ that he’s been planning to produce, then there’s a strong chance you’ll be arrested and they’ll take your skin suit away from you again.

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