5 Dangerous Mistakes Men Make At The Doctor’s Office
Lying to your doctor is a rite of passage for millions of men who have been taught from a young age to avoid personal truths at all costs. Unfortunately, adhering to what little remains of your rigid personal code in a medical situation can be costly – and we don’t just mean the co-pay for a polygraph test.
Lucky for you, fibbing to the white coats is just one of the many mistakes men typically make at the doctor’s office. Here’s another five.
1. Giving Them Your Actual Name
Your father didn’t stay out of jail long enough to sire you as his questionable genetic legacy by giving semi-strangers the correct spelling of the name that was on his birth certificate. Hell, chances are you still don’t actually know what slipped out from between his mother’s lips before the youth authority took him away to the group home. Any man who accomplishes anything in this world has at least three aliases before the age of thirty, and the doctor’s office is the prime spot to start living in the shadows.
2. Drinking A Clear, Unlabeled Fluid
It’s a hot day, and you’re thirsty. There’s a water fountain just down the hall, but there’s also a row of unlabeled glass jars containing some type of clear mystery fluid. So appealing. So convenient. So dangerous.
3. Signing Up For That Tracking Implant Program
Most of the paperwork you receive at the doctor’s office contains a subsection that waives your refusal to be injected with a nearly undetectable sub-dermal implant that can then be used to track your location at all times. Don’t sign it. Better yet, feign illiteracy. Or just deal with those cramps like a man and stay at home.
4. Donating Too Many Kidneys
You’ve got two kidneys for a reason, but that reason isn’t because you need a down payment on a new house. Medical professionals are notoriously pushy when it comes to pushing you to sell important internal organs – especially the doctors you meet online, or at an underground bare knuckles boxing match. Save yourself the hassle and keep your organs where they belong: in a cooler full of ice, in the basement.
5. Taking Your Pants Off Too Early
There comes a time in almost every visit to the doctor’s office where you’ll have to drop trou – but knowing when the moment is right is crucial. Do you want to invite that silent, judging gaze from the receptionist as she patiently dials security and has you thrown out of the waiting room for the third time in a week? Of course not. Keep those pants on until the office door is closed, your doctor is completely naked, and the camera light is flashing ‘red’ for ‘record.’