5 Foods You Ate In 9th Grade That Have Already Given You Cancer

Boys eating burgers
Forget healthy living, forget eating clean, forget any of the fad diets or exercise schemes you’ve devoted yourself to over the years, because it’s doesn’t matter: the cancer is already inside of you. The culinary decisions that you made as an ill-informed teenager have already seeded your body with the metastasizing cells that will spell your doom, whether from a combination of too much Red #5 and over-processed pork entrails, or the metric tons of preservatives loaded with chemicals science still doesn’t understand that are floating through your bloodstream.

Check out these 5 foods you scarfed down in ninth grade that have been silently eating you from the inside out since high school.

1. All Those Hot Dogs

Why did you have to eat so many damn hot dogs? Sometimes we’re willing to bet you didn’t even bother to throw them in the microwave for 10 seconds to kill whatever heinous industrial farm bacteria was populating the bovine intestinal sacs and hoof powders ground up inside the most effective toxin delivery tool ever disguised as a ‘fun’ food. You just stuffed them in your gob right out of the package, didn’t you? WHY DOES THE FDA EVEN EXIST IF YOU WON’T COOK YOUR MEATS?

2. Whatever The Fuck Was In That Cafeteria Chili

Every single lump had a different texture, and each one of those textures made you want to hurl, but you still went back for seconds because puberty is a harsh mistress and you needed those farts to ward off the older boys in the PE locker room later that afternoon. Don’t feel too bad – they’ve got the big C too, because who can resist the mystery meat charms of lunch lady chili?

3. That Weird Glowing Liquid That Dripped From The Factory Run-Off Pipe Into The Stream Behind Your School

It’s not your fault: Saturday morning cartoons had conditioned you to think that any type of industrial waste was likely to give you some type of beneficial mutation or amazing powers. But it didn’t. It gave you cancer. On the slow.

4. Sour Patch Kids

You wouldn’t pour Drano down your throat, but you ate these bitter bonbons until your gums were bleeding, and now you’re riddled with tumors that probably look a little bit like the misshapen lumps of gelatin and polychlorinated biphenyls that gave them to you. Too bad you can’t peek inside yourself and see what you’ve become. The doctor’s afraid the sheer gross-out factor of your failing organ x-rays might accelerate the cancer.

5. Tang

They sent it into space, it came back, they put it on shelves, you drank it, and now you’ve got secret cancer #thanksNASA.

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