5 Hardcore Fitness Tests Every Man Must Pass In His Kitchen

The Guy In The Kitchen.

It’s Friday night and the game is about to start. Your buddies – well, Tim from accounting, and that weird intern that never talks but sees everything – are waiting on the couch in the living room. You’re in the kitchen about to get your snack on when it hits you: are you FIT enough to feed your bros?

Check out these 5 hardcore fitness tests every man must pass in his kitchen and see how you stack up.

1. That Fucking Jar Of Pickles

Sure, it was funny when Lisa in the break room had to school you on how to snap open that jar of zesty garlic spears at last year’s holiday party, but no one’s laughing when your puny wrists can’t free up the dill in time for kick-off. Don’t bother looking for the rubber dish glove +10 force-multiplier – it’s not going to help you this time.

2. This Damn Bag Of Shredded Cheese

Baby pizzas seemed like a great idea until you tried to open that package from the Cracker Barrel and discovered it had been sealed with the machine might of a thousand vacuum presses. Your inability to tear through to the oh-so-visible cheese waiting on the other side of the clear, invincible plastic will be noted by Tim and the intern and spread around the water cooler like poison ivy at summer camp.

3. Shit What About These Pistachios?

Why the fuck did you buy them in the shell, numb-nuts?

4. Champagne For Monday Night Football? Are You Out Of Your MIND?

I bet you don’t feel so regal now, do you your majesty, as you struggle to somehow uncork the bottle of bubbly to celebrate the division championship or whatever other meaningless proxy fucking victory you’ve assigned value to as long as it’s accomplished by men you’ve never met and could never be. Where’s your saber, dumbass?

5. Microwave Popcorn? Just Fucking Call It

Isn’t the bag supposed to split open on its own after it’s popped? Wait, watch out for the STEAM MOTHERFUCKER! Run it under the tap while making idle conversation through the wall with Tim until the tears stop streaming down your face.

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