5 Late Night TV Products That Will Boost Your Masculinity
Have you ever been sitting in front of the TV late at night thinking ‘I wish there was some way to prove to the world that my dad was wrong, and I actually am all that is man?’ Well you’re in luck, because the ongoing crisis in masculinity has given birth to legions of entrepreneurs seeking to fill that surprisingly wide gap in your genetic code between alpha male and, well, what you see in the mirror every day.
Check out these 5 late night TV products what will boost your masculinity.
1. Testicle-Shaped Ice Cube Tray
It’s an ice-cube tray shaped like anatomically-correct testicles. You put it in your freezer, then put them in your motherfucking whiskey because that’s the only time you should ever use ice in a drink. Is it actually masculine to use ball-shaped ice cubes? YOU DECIDE!
2. Testosterone-Laced Chewing Tobacco
Want to be a raging pile of hormonal anger by the third inning, or half-way through your commute home, or at the Thursday night PTA meeting? Testosterone-packed chewing tobacco lets you anabolically chaw and spit your way to a more confident, less analytical, and ultimately hairier you.
3. 46 Knives You Can Strap To Your Body
Throwing knifes are the most fucking masculine thing ever to have been invented, but just like bullets you don’t ever want to run out of blades in the middle of a confrontation with your neighbor/pastor/lawn care service foreman. Now you can be the guy who brought 46 knives to a gun-fight.
4. Inflatable Truck To Tow Behind Your Real Truck
The only thing more manly than driving a truck is towing a second truck behind your first truck, but you’ve only got one parking spot at the condo, making this an impossible dream. Or is it? Pickup the phone now and dial your way into an inflatable monster rig that folds down into a convenient 5’x4′ package so you can stow it in the bed of your pickup while not impressing the ladies on the way to work in the morning (or chasing it down the freeway after it tangles with your Truck Nutz and comes loose, slamming into other cars and pedestrians like some kind of nasty inflatable bolo of death and bruises).
5. A Pet Shark
Just don’t try to walk it, bro.