5 Mother’s Day Gifts She Won’t Be Expecting

Mother & Grown Son

She gave you life. She suckled you at her breast. She provided you with rent-free housing for at least nine months of your life. She’s your mother, and the corporate overlords at Hallmark who control which holidays get celebrated and which ones are relegated to the dust heap of history (helloooooo Arbor Day) have decided that Mother’s Day is an occasion you simply can’t skip as spring turns into summer.

What to get the mother who has everything? How to best assuage the guilt of never, ever, ever, ever calling? Check out these 5 Mother’s Day gifts she definitely won’t be expecting.

1. That Sears Catalog You Stole From Her In 1988.

Back before the internet turned us all into ninth-level perverts, all you had was the lingerie section of the Sears catalog to satisfy that burning curiosity about how many times you could ejaculate in the three-hour grace period granted to you by your latch-key kid status. Maybe it’s time to say ‘I love you’ by handing back her guide to 1988’s hottest affordable fashions – minus the most rigid pages, of course.

2. A Subscription To Reader’s Digest

I know what you’re thinking: is that shit even still in business? The answer is ‘yes,’ and your mother loves it. How is it, exactly, that we know more about your own flesh and blood than you do?

3. Flowers That Aren’t Pink

Nothing says ‘I’m thinking about you, Mom,’ more than a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Unless, of course, it’s the same bundle of pink bullshit you send every year. Do you even know what your mother’s favorite flowers are? Can you remember what she spent hours every weekend pruning and trimming in the flowerbed while you huffed glue behind the shed in the backyard with your degenerate friends? Quick, name five flowers that aren’t roses. We’ll wait.

4. An Apology To Your Sister / Brother / Twin

You think your mother’s forgotten, but oh no, she remembers every single fucking detail about that night. She’s been nursing that familial grudge for over a decade now. Maybe it’s time you became the bigger man and just said you were sorry. You know what you did.

5. A Year Sober

Think you can do that, asshole? Doesn’t she worry enough?

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