5 Nootropic ‘Smart Drugs’ That Won’t Keep You From Sleeping With Your Ex

Man with glass of water rasing and looking at pill

Smart drugs are the latest fad sweeping the nation as thousands of men frantically try to ‘hack’ their brains to genius levels before the FDA catches up with the science behind sending money to a pharmacy in India that may or may not be run out of the back of a pickup truck.

You’ve probably been tempted by the promise of a ‘nootropic stack’ boosting your intelligence to the point where you finally snag that promotion, stop watching NCIS, and never respond to another late-night text from Jenny ever again. Check out these 5 smart drugs that could probably help you with those first two problems, but trust us, nothing you put into your body is ever going to stop you from sleeping with your ex.

1. Pramiracetam

Pramiracetam is noted for its ability to smoothly boost your memory and learning ability without bringing anxiety or weird mood fluctuations along for the ride. It’s been around for years, and binds to your brain’s acetylcholine receptors. Too bad it can’t bind your dick in your pants when the girl who dumped you for her personal trainer blows up your phone at 2 am.

2. Modafinil

Originally conceived as a treatment for narcolepsy, modafinil doesn’t just let you stay up late into the night – it’s also been used by the British air force to keep its fighter pilots sharp without any sleep for days on end. A longer attention span and better memory recall are bonus side effects of modafinil, but chances are you won’t remember that your ex set your truck on fire the last time you broke up until your balls are empty and she’s flicking her lighter in the empty parking lot behind the Denny’s where she works.

3. 5-HTP

Sure it sounds like an error code from your phone’s web browser, but 5-HTP is actually a naturally-produced serotonin producer inside your own body that helps regulate sleep and focus. It’s a shame that it also doesn’t suppress testosterone levels, because your spring fling just showed up at your door with a bottle of Jack and a sob story about being thrown out of her apartment because she ‘loves too many cats.’

4. Huperzine A

Huperzine A is an ancient Chinese herbal supplement that increases the production of important neurotransmitters in your brain. Not to be confused with hepatitis A, which is what your former college sweetheart is going to give you over the Thanksgiving holiday regardless of how many nootropic drugs you take.

5. Phenibut

Looking to enhance your calm while also hacking your neurons to the point where your cognitive skills match those of a Star Trek’s favorite android, Commander Data? Look no further than phenibut, which can also help you sleep soundly through the night. No real chance of that, however, with your ex lying there beside as she tells you how many times she’s been to county jail over the course of the last six months. Hooray for consecutive sentences!

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