5 Old Timey War Movies Your Dad Thinks About During Sex
The old grey mare just ain’t what she used to be – but thanks to the proliferation of cable channels devoted to every conceivable cinematic fetish, your Dad has been able to mine a treasure trove of wartime material to store in his frontal lobe for use when it comes time to perform his spousal duties. Sure, therapy is great for saving a relationship, but TCM is a hell of a lot cheaper.
Here are the top 5 old timey war movies your dad thinks about during sex.
1. The Great Escape
Classic flick about a group of prisoners who secretly tunnel out of their camp during World War II. Your father uses the memories of Steve McQueen’s face and James Gardner’s broad shoulders to get him through the flesh tunnel that haunts his bed.
2. The Dirty Dozen
Twelve squinty-eyed, hard-bitten military convict are assembled for a suicide mission attack on a German stronghold. The steely determination of this unlikely band of heroes gives your dad the fortitude he needs to succeed during his nightly vaginal spelunking.
3. Sands Of Iwo Jima
This well-worn tale of honor and sacrifice stars a young John Wayne as he participates in one of the bloodiest battles of the Pacific. To your dad, it’s the flick that served as his raft down the red river on those pre-menopausal nights when your mother just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
4. Bridge On The River Kwai
The pain and suffering of the thousands of soldiers who died constructing this span for the Japanese is nothing compared to the misery of your father being forced to service your mother’s bizarre list of personal peccadilloes. He longs for the release of the river crocodiles.
5. The Longest Day
D-Day was a defining moment in the Second World War, for both sides. For your dad, it’s a way to distract himself from the sandpaper gyrations of a woman he married immediately after high school because ‘it was the right thing to do’ to preserve his family’s reputation in the small farming community where he grew up.