5 Olympic Sports Improved by a Speedo

The athletes at the Olympic Games bring some of the world’s most bangin’ bodies to the world stage. It’s a damn shame, then, that the IOC seems determined to cover up all of that taut, muscled sports-flesh with a frustrating mixture of protective gear and uniforms.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could see those rippling biceps and stupendous traps in action? You bet it would – and there’s really no better way to make it happen than implement a long-overdue ‘Speedo rule.’

Check out these 5 Olympic sports that would be 100 percent improved if everyone involved wore a Speedo.

1. Ice Hockey

If you thought hockey players were tough with all that padding, wait until you see them carving up the ice in matching Speedos! Oh, that puck’s gonna leave a mark, Dave, and we’re gonna see it as soon as you take your next shift, because there’s frankly not much about any of the bodies skating around out there that we’re NOT seeing. We’ll allow the goalie to bend the rules a little and wear a cup – but only if it fits in his banana hammock.

2. Ski Jumping

Swimmers aren’t the only ones who are going to have to shave their entire bodies in the name of ‘aerodynamics’ anymore. Get out that razor, Jacques – or maybe just go full laser.

3. Steeplechase

There’s nothing like the constant up-and-down bumping motion of jumping a horse through obstacle after obstacle to really drive home the fact that human beings were never designed to straddle such a magnificent beast. The fact that the horse is wearing a Speedo, too, makes things all the more poetic.

4. Jai-alai

It’s the world’s ‘fastest sport,’ and now in addition to its ultra-confusing rule set and record of on-court fatalities we add the indignity and social anxiety associated with wearing a thin elastic covering over one’s genitals in front of an audience of….well we were going to say millions, but who watches jai-alai? It’s not like Speedos could HURT the ratings.

5. Ping Pong

Imagine that scene from Forest Gump, only now everyone’s wearing a Speedo. That’s right we said everyone: the players, the refs, the audience, the television commentators back in the studio, and you, too, sitting on your couch at home, covered in potato chips crumbs, in a Speedo, a glorious Speedo nation united by the Olympics in a sea of roiling, pasty, overflowing flesh. ALL HAIL SPEEDO NATION! HAIL! HAIL!

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