5 Pieces Of Gym Equipment That Can Decapitate You, Final Destination-Style
The gym isn’t just the source of your greatest personal anxieties and inadequacies – it’s also a minefield of gear and equipment that in the wrong hands (yours) could end your life in a sweaty split second.
Given the atrophied state of your muscles, you might not have enough experience to be able to instantly identify the most dangerous areas of your local workout spot. Fear not – we’ve put together this quick guide to the 5 pieces of gym equipment that can decapitate you quicker than a load of logs in a Final Destination sequel.
1. Bench Press
This is the most obvious head-slicing device in the entire gym, of course. Every time you ask Jimmy to spot for you you’re taking the chance that he won’t be distracted by the tight shorts on the squat pad next to him, or by the fact that from an hormonal perspective, he’s more horse than man by now. Maybe if you’re lucky it’ll just crack your chest open like a walnut instead of lopping off your noggin.
2. That Metal Stretching Thing
It looks like a torture prop from one of the movies you found in that box of VHS tapes under your dad’s bed that chilly autumn evening when he was out raking leaves. It’s actually for isometric stretching – it’s a thing people do at gyms – but if used the wrong way, it’ll cleave your head right off with the full force of its four springs. Just use a rubber band instead, dude.
3. Leg Press
Think your head is safe when you’re exercising your legs? Think again: that 45 degree angle is perfectly positioned for the weights to drive your knees straight through your skull and separate your cranium from the rest of your body as quickly as you can say ‘I tweaked my ACL.’
4. Just Picking Up A Dumbbell
You are never more vulnerable in a gym than when you are bent over at the waist, face down, reaching for a dumbbell. That’s when the samurai bros put down their supplements, draw their swords, and send you to the next life. Without your head.
5. The Sauna
You think you’re safe in the sauna? Will you still feel safe when the spinning steel blades descend from the ceiling and slice and dice you into bits and pieces? Probably not.