5 Places To Look When She Yells “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

Sure, you and your accomplice fuckbuddy RA third cousin partner have a safe word for when things get weird, but what do you have planned for when things REALLY go off the rails? When she screams DON’T LOOK AT ME in your face you better have a nearby distraction ready to go or it’s your ass.

Check out these five places to look when you can’t look at what you were looking at before.

1. The Floor

You’re on your knees anyways, right? On your hands and knees, just like you deserve. Where else would you look but straight down at the floor? Certainly not at her. Certainly not right now. Not while she’s doing…what she’s doing.

2. That Portrait Of Your Mom

It’s not like your mom ever asked your dad to tie her up with electrical cords, suspend her from the ceiling, and whip her ass with the tattered remains of her wedding dress. And it’s not like you ever walked in on them when that was happening, and then stayed as quiet as possible while you watched everything you thought you knew about love crumble before your eight-year-old eyes.

3. A Magic Eye

Magic Eye puzzles are tough even in the calmest of times, so we’re not sure why you tacked this one up over your bed to break out in an emergency when SHE ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BE LOOKED AT. But hey, enjoy that eagle soaring in a majestic canyon in 3D if you can summon the focus, bro.

4. Your High School Diploma

It still really bothers you that they spelled your name wrong, doesn’t it? But not enough to do anything about it.

5. Look At The Blood All Of The Blood

There’s so much blood all over the room how could you NOT look at it, and now you can feel yourself sinking beneath a red sea of – oh for fuck’s sakes get some fucking paper towels before she makes you look at her again!

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