5 Police Dogs You Can Pet, and 5 You Can’t: How to Tell the Difference
Gordon Dirk
It’s said that you should never pet a dog that’s on duty – or is that a dog that’s ‘doing its duty?’ We’re confused too, which is why we put together this list of the 5 police dogs you can pet, and the 5 you can’t – and how you can tell the difference before you end up dead, or in jail.
Can Pet: Vincent
Vincent is a veteran of the force, but he spent most of his career visiting children’s hospitals and silently watching his handler masturbate in the squad car in the parking lot afterward. Vincent’s a good egg and likes the attention.
Can’t Pet: Beretta
Beretta was addicted to meth as a pup to help her more effectively infiltrate the tweaker crowd. Now on the verge of retirement, she’s seen too much shit to let a human hand within six inches of her face. She’ll fuck you up, man.
Can Pet: Mario
Mario was trained in CPR, which is really hard to do when you’re a dog and the person you’re trying to save is, well, a human. This makes Mario try harder at everything, including friendship, and re-connecting with his estranged family of sixteen brothers and sisters by pissing all over your neighborhood.
Can’t Pet: Doodles
Doodles isn’t officially on the payroll, but he showed up one night at the impound yard and the officers on duty adopted him as a kind of mascot. Little do they know that at night, Doodles puts a gun in his mouth and cries until the sun comes up. Don’t pet Doodles.
Can Pet: Steeljack
Steeljack got his name after he kicked over a jack and trapped some perps under a stolen car at a chop shop. Don’t let that killer instinct scare you, however, because Steeljack mostly saves his bloodlust for hunting down criminals. Mostly.
Can’t Pet: Rainbow
Rainbow always takes interrogations too far. Do you want to leave the room with your testicles attached? Don’t fuck with Rainbow, bro. Don’t fuck with Rainbow. Also, empty your pockets of percocet.
Can Pet: Reggie
Reggie swallowed a police whistle when he was six months old, and now whenever he breathes, he whistles. It gets louder when he licks his junk, and he’s always licking his junk. You can pet him, but don’t let the sergeant talk you into adopting him.
Can’t Pet: Twinkle
Twinkle did two tours of duty in Dog Iraq, which is like 15 tours in Human Iraq.
Can Pet: Bo
Bo hasn’t been the same since he unsuccessfully tired to negotiate the release of a school bus full of kids by barking at full volume into a megaphone the lieutenant left on the hood of his squad car. That empty, hollowed-out stare reflects his complete detachment from the world around him, which means he’s totally safe to pet.
Can’t Pet: Creamsicle
Creamiscle’s nickname is ‘Creamy,’ because the it’s her job to lick the room clean of creamed human remains after a bomb has gone off in an enclosed space. We’re just kidding – that’s not an actual job! That’s what Creamy does for fun.