5 Reasons To Call G-Maw On Her B-Day Instead Of Just Drunk-Texting Her From Arby’s
You’re a man, and you’ve barely got time for your own emotions, let alone to consider the intricate web of relationships that bind together friends and families on this cold and barren rock. Still, birthdays are one of those rare social occasions where most of your online accounts will go out of their way to remind you that yes, they happen to other people, too – and today, specifically, one’s happening to your grandmother.
Check out these 5 reasons you should actually call G-Maw and wish her a happy birthday, instead of just one-thumb drunk-texting her at 2 in the morning from your favorite booth at Arby’s.
1. G-Maw Doesn’t Have Much Time Left
Let’s be real: after living hard for so many years, your grandmother can probably count her remaining birthdays on one hand, and that’s assuming she can even put the bottle of Johnny Walker Red down long enough to both unclenching her fist. Are you going to deny her another a turn around the sun without the sweet sound of your voice? Or are you going to assume that she won’t even be able to hear it over the beeping and whirring of the infernal machinery that keeps her alive in your basement? Maybe just stomp on the floor and keep cashing those social security checks, bro.
2. G-Maw Always Sent You $5 On YOUR Birthday
Each and every one of your birthdays was an investment that Nana made in your future, and while she’d be scandalized to find out that her long-term play for your happiness has devolved into a rat’s nest of take-out trash and online masturbation sessions, it’s probably not too late to spend at least one of those fivers on some extra Anytime minutes and give her call.
3. G-Maw Doesn’t Have A Cell Phone
Instead of your somewhat tipsy baritone coming over the wire, since G-Maw doesn’t actually own a cell phone it’s a scary robotic voice reading out your slurred, emoji-laden text to her over her analog landline. Not only is this the scariest phone call she’s ever received, it’s also the one that convinces her that the voices in her head have been real all along, and that it’s finally time to exact her murderous vengeance on Brenda, the Wal-Mart greeter who keeps giving her side-eye.
4. G-Maw Doesn’t Remember You’re Still Alive
This could go one of two ways. On the one hand, hearing your voice could warm her soul and remind her that the world is still full of love and surprises, even for an elderly woman like herself who thought herself alone and devoid of grandchildren. Or, your call could convince her that heaven is real and that it’s time to join the dead herself so she can start sending some long-dime spiritual messages of her own.
5. G-Maw Asked Us To Ask You To Call Her
She’s also worried that you’re not eating, or that you are eating but eating the wrong things, or that you might not be eating right at this moment, or that maybe you shouldn’t eat and drive because that’s what killed your Uncle Larry, you know, or maybe wait before and after eating to go swimming because THE SCIENCE IS CHANGING, and did you think about all that sugar that you’re eating because diabetes is the scourge of our entire family, and will you PLEASE STOP SHOUTING I’M YOU’RE DAMN G-click.