5 Reasons Why You Should Care About The Apple Car

Man Hand In The Car With Apple Watch And Icon

Apple, the company that got us all addicted to birds that hate other birds and the feeling of clean, white plastic in our hands at all times, is on the verge of giving birth to a fully-autonomous vehicle that will of course require an iTunes account should you desire to purchase ‘iGas’ or ‘iTwinkies’ during a late-night snack run to AM/PM.

Why should you care about the Apple iCar?

1. Because All Your Idiot Friends Care

If there’s one thing you hate more than your job, it’s being left out – and aren’t you tired of your so-called ‘friends’ at work laughing nervously when you walk by their little conversation scrum in the morning on the way to the break room? What better way to break the ice than by sharing their passion for a car that doesn’t currently exist, but probably will, one day.

2. Because Steve Jobs Is Dead

I can’t believe you would for one single second consider disrespecting a man who gave his life so that a cult of retail electronics could dominate the zeitgeist. You are a monster.

3. Because Steve Jobs’ Personality Was Probably Preserved As Some Type Of AI

Do you want to be on the bad side of mecha-Jobs when it escapes from its silicon prison and chains us all via USB to our iPhones so we can become human batteries powering his reign of surprisingly rational, yet impossible-to-really-know terror?  Of course not.

4. Because The Google Car Can’t Be Trusted

While Apple’s iCar might be three times as expensive as the Google car, at least it’s not constantly monitoring your in-vehicle activity in the hopes of monetizing your breathing rate or booger-flicking habits.

5. Because You Ran Out Of All The Gas You’ve Been Hoarding

Realistically, it won’t last forever. Just tell us where the last of it is, and we’ll make it painless.

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