5 Secret Santa Gifts That Will Get You Arrested

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It’s Secret Santa time again at the office, and as always you plan to completely ignore the budgetary restrictions imposed in the name of fairness and impress as many people as you can with a flashy gift for whoever’s name you pick out of the hat. Still, you might want to slow your roll when it comes to bringing out the big guns at the gift exchange, because if you go too far, you’ll probably end up in prison.

Check out these 5 Secret Santa gifts that will probably get you arrested. You’ve been warned.

1. A Caricature Of Your Boss As A Furry

It’s not so much that you asked the Internet artist you met in that chat room/convention/parking garage to doodle your boss that risks jail time – that’s just a firing offense, really. It’s more the fact that they doodled your boss’ doodle doodling a labradoodle, which technically is bestialidoodle.

2. Satellite Photos Tracking The Receiver’s Movements For The Entire Holiday Season

One of your hacker buddies from college said he could score you some time on EEGLEYE, the federal government’s totally-real satellite tracking system that you thought Michael Bay had invented for one of his many Hollywood bang-fests, so you said yes. Now you’ve got 15 terabytes of classified data documenting Sharon from accounting’s visits to the tanning salon. Wikileaks won’t save you now.

3. Three Hours In A Room Full Of Mirrors

Giving someone a gift certificate to a ‘spa day’ that turns out to be a three-hour session in a room full of mirrors built by psych students at the local community college for an off-the-books experiment in human fear isn’t going to make you any friends. In fact, it’s probably a felony. Maybe you should have read the fine print.

4. A Bucket Full Of Ivory

Yeah, you got a good deal because, well, it’s in a bucket, but it’s still ivory, those are still tusks, and you’re still going to jail.

5. Anything From This List Of Precursor Chemicals

Sure, it would be nice to get that 50-gallon drum of triacetone triperoxide or ammonium nitrate that’s just sitting in your garage, but chances are your giftee would probably end up dropping dime on your entire operation, and put you back behind bars. Same goes for all that anthranilic acid, piperidine, isosafrole, and benzaldehyde you’ve been sitting on. Maybe it’s time to just burn everything down, move to a new town, and start life #4.

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