5 Sexiest Things To Do With Your Hands

1. Make a sculpture of the person you love out of wicker. Haul that sculpture into their backyard in the middle of the night. Set fire to it. Make love in the ashes. Put the ashes in an urn. Bury the urn under the drive-thru at your local Taco Bell. Smile knowingly to yourself every time you go buy a taco.

2. Crack your knuckles in a pitcher of ice water on a first date.

3. Knead three pounds of pizza dough, in the bedroom, on the bed, on your lover’s back. Use plenty of olive oil. Don’t use KY (for gluten-sensitives, substitute gluten-free pizza dough).

4. Finger-puppet erotica.

5. Put your hand inside the Thanksgiving turkey, all the way up to your elbow, just after it comes out of the oven. Make sure no one sees you. Endure the pain. Feel the burn. Revel in the sensation. Tickle the gizzard. Smile knowingly to yourself every time someone puts a bit of turkey into their mouth.

6. BONUS! Sign a will that donates everything you own to ‘the rhythm of the night.’ Bring a boombox with you when you do this. When the notary/your spouse/the state questions your decision, blast them with that Corona track. Instant. Seduction.

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