5 Signs It’s Time To Stop Doing Shrooms At Work

An unidentifiable man wears a rubber Horse Head a Clock around h

At Manonizer, we love ‘camping’ as much as the next guy, but when you start bringing your ‘camping’ activities to work on Monday, well, maybe it’s time to re-examine your priorities. Freaking out on shrooms in the privacy of your own tent is one thing, but accusing the copier of crying tears of blood all over your TPS reports is something else entirely.

Check out these 5 signs that it’s time to stop doing shrooms at work.

1. At lunch one day you went out onto the lawn and dug up the flower bed, planted it in your cubicle, stuck your feet in, and ‘watered’ yourself thoroughly using leftover weekend coffee. When HR tried to intervene, you screamed ‘JUST LET ME TAKE ROOT! JUST LET ME TAKE ROOT!’ until the building fire marshal hosed you down.

2. You clicked ‘Reply To All’ so many times on Karen’s B-Day Cake Break RSVP so many times that three servers caught fire in Building 4.

3. Your manager, Jim, is a seven-foot tall scarecrow who reached into your chest one morning and pulled out your still-beating heart before putting it in his pocket and sliding down a giant icicle into a pool of Jell-O.

4. At last week’s quarterly earnings meeting, you gave a PowerPoint presentation composed entirely of Etcha-Sketch self portraits you’d photographed and then run through six Instagram filters. It was 92 slides long. You were fired by slide 43.

5. You refused to leave your desk for a full week before you realized that the IV filled with life-saving drugs flowing directly into your lower intestine was actually your cubicle-mate’s computer mouse whose cord your had colored yellow with a highlighter and then sat on. Naked. From the waist down.

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