5 Signs Jim From Accounting Just Decided To Murder You
You’re sitting in the weekly status meeting like you do every Monday morning, trying hard to keep your sleepy face from falling into your coffee, when it hits you like a chilling wind blowing in from the north: someone in the room has decided that you have to die.
There’s no mistaking that sudden cold sensation. After all, it’s never been wrong before. The only question now is – who could it be? Which one of your co-workers will make it their mission to end you before the week is up?
It’s totally Jim from Accounting, and here’s why.
1. He Won’t Stop Staring At You
What the fuck is Jim’s problem? He’s been clocking you since you sat down at your desk this morning, and he’s been following you around the office the entire morning. Now he’s sitting directly across from you, ignoring Debbie’s attempts at small talk so he can keep his gaze locked on your every move. Normally, he’d be all over Deb’s tale of sloppy drunken weekend escapades, but it’s almost like he can sense that you can sense that he’s going to straight up murder you.
2. He Put A Gun In Your Mouth At The Christmas Party
Sure, he told you it wasn’t loaded afterwards, and you both had a good laugh, but it was still really awkward to be up there alone with Jim on the snowy roof of your office building, shivering in the cold after you’d pissed yourself.
3. He Wages A Constant Psychic War Against You Each And Every Night On The Astral Plane
Jim has been haunting your dreams like some kind of corporate Freddy Kruger for at least the last six months, and you’ve been waking up completed exhausted every morning from the strain of defending yourself against his psychic attacks. Could it be this is about more than just that confrontation about stealing his parking space in August, and has actually been part of his plan all along to drain your will to the point where you’ll welcome death at his hands?
4. He’s Poisoned You On At Least 3 Occasions
It’s like the old saying goes: poison me once, shame on you. Poison me twice, shame on me. Poison me three times, well shit, why do I keep accepting all those apples and bags of trail mix from you in the first place, Jim?
5. You’re Already Dead
Well, at least your body is. You see, Jim actually killed you at a corporate retreat back in 2011, and ever since then he’s been keeping your brain alive in an elaborate virtual reality simulation of his own devising that’s designed to torture you for all eternity with the mundanity of the choices you’ve made and the life you’ve resigned yourself to. Does it really matter why he’s doing it? You should be more concerned with what your decisions have done to yourself.