5 Signs Your Dog Has A Cocaine Problem

You thought it was cute when the other owners at the dog park gave him the nickname ‘Sniffles,’ but by now it’s clear that something is serious wrong with man’s best friend. Before you confront your pet about his problem, you’ll have to make sure that it’s really time for an intervention.

Check out these 5 signs your dog has a cocaine problem.

1. Your Dog Has A Beeper

Who has a beeper these days? No one you know – except your dog, of course. At first you thought it was cute – look at him trying to silence it with those widdle paws! – but quickly you grew tired of him coming and going at two in the morning, or leaving the pager in his dog dish so it could vibrate all night long and keep you awake.

2. Your Dog Keeps Talking About His ‘Screenplay’

He’s been working on it for what, 6 months now? He won’t shut up about it, but every time you ask if you can take a look at it, he gets really defensive and says it’s ‘not finished,’ and then tells you to ‘fuck off with your judgments.’ What the fuck? You were just trying to be supportive.

3. Your Dog Has One Really Long Nail

He never lets you trim it. It clacks on the floor when he runs in circles around the room after he’s come back from one of his ‘ball and stick’ parties. It’s seriously weird.

4. Your Dog Has Been Awake For 2 Weeks Straight

When you wake up in the morning, he’s playing Call of Duty on the Playstation. When you get home from work, he’s cleaning the kitchen with a toothbrush. In between? Treadmill, dog park, treadmill, dog park, Days Of Our Lives, Scarface.

5. Your Dog Keeps Tweeting You From Ibiza

That fucker said he’d take you with him this time. His memory is for shit.