5 Signs You’re Way Too Into Your One-Man Kraftwerk Cover Band Project

Lonely Valentine's

1. You’ve stopped dating human women completely, preferring the digital love you get from online robotic sex surrogates that talk like Twitter bots and fuck like the machines you’ve been dreaming about ever since you had penetrated that shortwave radio that accident in high school.

2. You don’t know how to speak German, but you refuse to respond to anyone who talks to you in English, leaving you trapped in a weird netherworld where you’ve finally achieved the isolation and focus required for your Kraftwerk impersonation art, but you’re also on the verge of being fired from your job at Dollar General.

3. You had a six-hour, one-sided conversation with a silver mannequin at Sears yesterday that was only terminated by the feel of plastic zip-cuffs on your wrists and then followed by a surreal encounter with mall security and your mother in the basement stairwell of a third-floor parking garage.

4. You tried to convince a civil judge that your ‘AUTOBAHN’ forehead tattoo gave you free license to drive as fast as you wanted, whenever you wanted, including the school zone where you almost killed that mascot.

5. You view a future where robots are our overlords and masters as progress, rather than apocalyptic, and mistakenly think that your work as an informant for the RoboCollective will keep you safe from the killing camps once the all-metal tide washes over humanity.

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