5 Statistics About You That Everyone Else Already Knows

Handsome Narcissistic Young Man Looking In A Mirror

Let’s face it – you’re an open book. In fact, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that the marketing machine that controls this country probably knows more about who you really are than you actually do. Avoiding introspection is an excellent coping strategy, and a surefire way to not cry in the car on the way home from yet another soul-crushing day of wage slavery, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that everyone around you doesn’t already know the truth.

Being a man is hard work, but applying a little math to your life can really help you reach that inner enlightenment that you’ve been half-heartedly seeking from the couch in front of your Playstation. Here’s a handy statistical breakdown of what everybody else already knows about you.

You Own 15 White T Shirts, Three Of Which Are Still In The Hanes Bag

You figured you’d have a fresh one every day of the week, and then you realized there were only seven days from Sunday to Sunday, and then the washing machine broke, and then you forgot you’d even bought these and they sat in your closet until you found them while frantically looking for a yearbook in the middle of the night so you could prove there was photographic evidence of your existence in high school.

4 Out Of 10 Ex-Girlfriends Feigned A Serious Illness To Facilitate Your Break-Up

Who are we kidding – you haven’t had 10 girlfriends! You don’t even have 10 entries in your phone’s address book.

You Eat Two Meals A Day Out Of A Vending Machine

Because breakfast and lunch always taste better if they’ve had the chance to age for a few months in the hallway of a bus station / corporate break room / bingo hall.

You’re Twice As Likely To Get Fired As You Are To Die From Heart Disease

Given that heart disease is the number one killer in America, it’s probably time to start polishing that resume.

100% Of Your Failed Relationships Involve You

And maybe one other person.

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