5 Strokes You Can Fake To Avoid Family Commitments

Nobody expects someone with nearly zero brain function to deal with the various family commitments that ensnare us and bind us to the worst human beings we’ll ever meet on this planet our loved ones. If you can fool the alpha monitor on an EKG – or maybe just do your best vegetable impression – then maybe you, too, can employ the Manonizer ‘strokes for success’ strategy and avoid having to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary with your relatives.

1. The Funeral Stroke

This is the big one, the ‘feigned coma’ that you’ll have to commit to pulling off for at least seven hours while grandma is cried over, interred, and then gossiped about over lukewarm snacks and casseroles. Feel free to pop an Ambien for additional realism, as long as you don’t end up sleep-fucking your cousin like you did that one time at summer camp.

2. The Family Portrait Stroke

This one just paralyzes the left side of your face for the duration of your booking with the Sears portrait photographer, ensuring that you are left to your own devices to wander the power tools aisle, or engage in whatever other behavior you think might throw off family suspicion about your masculinity, while everyone else is saying ‘cheese.’

3. The Moving Stroke

How are you supposed to carry any boxes if you can’t even roll your own wheelchair? Fortunately, these cerebrovascular events tend to magically clear immediately after your favorite uncle has moved his years of hoarded TV Guides, cereal boxes, and urine-soaked newspapers from the old firetrap to the new one.

4. The Bar Mitzvah Stroke

How many times can you dance with Aunt Gail? Zero if you can’t even swallow without the assistance of horrendously expensive medical apparatus – or if you’re legally brain-dead for the duration of the event. Finally a chance to put all those court-mandated anger management meditation classes to good use!

5. The Pregnancy Stroke

Sure it’s weird that your sister-in-law asked you to attend the birth of her seventh child, but hopefully that makes it less strange that you’ve suddenly been stricken with a stroke so severe you can only communicate with your eyes – and even then, only to direct your gaze at the word ‘NO’ on the board they’re holding up in front of your face. Over and over again.

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