5 Summer Camps To Park Your Kids For 7 Days Of Peace

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Children are an amazing opportunity to sow your genetic legacy on an unsuspecting world. They’re also, well, kind of a pain in the ass – especially in the summer, when lax school schedules that keep us lagging behind the rest of the world unleash their noisy, boisterous natures on your home at all hours of the day.

What if there was a way to further hone your kids’ futures while simultaneously getting them out of your hair for weeks at a time? We’ve compiled a list of the top summer camps in the nation intended to facilitate a healthy separation between you and your brood during the warmer weather.

Astronaut Camp

Space is done. Space is over. Any future space exploration won’t be done by fleshy-pink humans stuffed like sausages inside ultra-fragile Kevlar suits – it’ll be drones and probes crash landing on Mars and Europa and setting up intricate robot societies which we’ll eventually serve as biological valets. But there’s no need to tell your kids about their glum future. Just let them pretend zero gravity is something they’ll one day experience outside of an airliner plummeting to its doom.

Stunt Double Camp

Two words: Greenstick fractures. Kids are essentially human Play-Do, which means if there’s ever a time to take advantage of their flexible bone structure and Wolverine-like healing factor, it’s now. Sending your offspring to stunt double camp isn’t just an effective way to baby-sit – it’s also tax-deductible future job training for the C-corporation you’re using to fund the years before they can legally work.

Ninja Camp

I know what you’re thinking – isn’t ninja camp just like stunt double camp, only with more pajamas? Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. You see, there’s one thing ninjas do better than any one else. Keep. Fucking. Quiet. Think of ninja camp as a bio-programming pacifier, and try not to focus on the fact that your kids could be on their way to becoming invisible killing machines.

Clown Camp

Ha! Fooled you! Clown camp makes the list as an example of where NEVER to send your children during summer vacation. Do you really want to explain to your son or daughter’s sixth grade teacher why they wet themselves at recess while wearing a clown nose? Do you fantasize about cleaning neon green and blue synthetic hairs out of the shower drain when mini-you refuses to remove their wig? Of course not. You’ve been warned.

DJ Camp

Is your child essentially unemployable (and we don’t mean because of the previously-acknowledged labor laws)? Why not set them up for a lifetime of couch surfing and two-week barista stints that will seem strangely socially acceptable simply because they’re constantly wearing headphones and talking about ‘the drop?’ DJ camp will equip your runt with the skills required to seek out the after party, in perpetuity.

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