5 Terrifying STDs of the Future

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The future isn’t all flying cars and androids stealing our jobs. It’s also a barren landscape of sexually-transmitted diseases so frightening that men and women routinely swap out their flesh-and-blood genitals for biomechanical replicas to avoid catching the kind of crotch rot that not even mega-penicillin can keep under control.

Check out these 5 terrifying STDs of the future.

1. Future Chlamydia

Future Chlamydia is just like normal Chlamydia, except once you’ve caught it, you don’t get any symptoms until three days before you die – hence the term ‘future.’ Instead of looking for a cure, scientists have instead chosen to focus on understanding how Future Chlamydia is able to pinpoint the moment of death so precisely, and potentially, how Vegas odds-makers can introduce some type of formalized gambling system to make it all worthwhile.

2. Poketitis C

Free-floating digitally-infectious virus that permanently fuses your hand to the tablet-like device that is used to communicate with all future beings. Most often contracted at the gym, Poketitis C can be traced all the way back to the year 2016, when augmented reality left the drawing board and overloaded human immune systems.

3. Orange Bear

Orange Bear sounds like a lot of fun, and it is, until the bear gets loose inside your scrotum.

4. Galaxy Note Inflammation Disorder

Contracted by sleeping with any Samsung product beside your bed, at night tiny lithium ions float from the device’s battery and take up residence inside your circulatory system. The next morning, you literally piss fire until your charred member falls useless and shameful into whatever they use in the year 2278 for a toilet. If you’re outside flame-throwing a field or a bush, then a bird swoops down and steals it instead. It’s lose-lose.

5. Mega-Lisp

Transmitted orally, Mega-Lisp is the kissing disease of the 23rd century. Symptoms include ‘whistle tongue,’ ‘pucker,’ and the socially debilitating ‘sibilant limerick.’ The only cure for Mega-Lisp is to have a second mouth installed on your throat, and then connect that mouth to the first mouth with a solid steel tube, and then attach yourself to a suspended animation machine so that you’ll hopefully wake up one day in a future-future where there’s a cure for Mega-Lisp.

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