5 Things To Get Off Your Chest When Falling To Your Death With Friends
It finally happened, just like it always did in your nightmares: the emergency exit on the airplane popped open mid-flight and sucked you and five other rows of passengers out the side of the jet at 37,000 feet. As you plummet to your death, you can take some solace in the fact that you were on your way to a bachelor party with your best friends in the world, who are all now also tumbling through the atmosphere beside you. What a perfect chance to finally tell them how you really feel about those decades of friendship.
Check out these 5 things to get off your chest when falling to your death with friends.
1. Tell Rob His Car Just Sucks
Rob’s always loved his car. He spends hours polishing it in his driveway, has a mini-shrine to it in his garage, and is constantly updating his phone wallpaper with snapshots of his car taken from slightly different angles. He emails you about his car non-stop, wears clothing emblazoned with his car’s logo, and once a year makes 700-mile pilgrimage to hang out with a thousand other car guys in a field somewhere and talk more about his car.
But here’s the thing: your car fucking sucks Rob. No one likes it. Everyone thinks it’s weird that you’re so into it. And now you’re about to die.
2. Share Jim’s Big Secret
10 years ago Jim told you his big secret. It’s been a burden ever since, especially since he made you swear you wouldn’t share it with Rob or any of your other buddies. You don’t know why Jim picked you, or the reason he felt compelled to fill your brain with a story that he honestly should have never told anyone, ever, not even on his deathbed, but he did.
And guess what: now YOU’RE the one on your air mattress of death, and you’re probably going to beat Jim to the bottom. So guess what Jim? Everyone’s going to find out about that week at summer camp in 1989.
3. Let Adrian Know His Birthmark Is Super Distracting
You’ve known Adrian since he was 11 years old and you’ve never once said a single word about that red splotch on his forward.
That changes today. For fuck’s sake, Adrian, it’s all anyone ever looks at when they see your face. It might as well be your passport photo.
4. Confront Matt About His Gambling Problem
Matt has never known when to stop when it comes to scratch tickets, football betting, keno, or even that weird duck race they had every year in your hometown when you were kids. He’s seen some dizzying highs but been crushed under more punishing lows than you can remember, and he’s always borrowing money for his next big score.
You care a lot about Matt, so maybe – no not maybe, definitely – it’s time to have an intervention at 37,000 feet where you tell him just how much pain his gambling addiction has caused you all these years.
5. Tell Alan You Love Him
Alan’s always been so distant. So aloof. Not in a detached kind of way – but like, no one could ever touch him. No matter how much you wanted to. No matter how deeply it ached inside of you.
Oh Alan. You’re about to die. But you’re also about to get touched, just before you touch the ground. At least both your hearts will finally be full before they explode on impact.