5 Things to Try Before Online Dating

You just know that the moment you sign up for Match.com or eHarmony or Ashley Madison that you’re going to be inundated with a steady stream of weird chicks (usually in the four to six outta ten range) who may bring lots of baggage, but who are also down to bone. But all is not lost my desperate friend – there are several ways to pick up a girl and get started on a relationship without stooping to the level of internet weirdos. Plus you know what they say: you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you’d expect.

Virtual Reality Porn

Take a tip from the new kids – real relationships are hard to find and way too much effort! They’re also way too intimate. So why not just slip on a pair of VR Goggles, grab some moisturizer, fire up PornHub and go to town? This is easily as good as Tinder and there’s far less of a chance that you’ll get kidnapped HPV in the process. Throw in a couple of ‘smart-sex’ toys and you’re all set. Heck, even new fleshlights are internet enabled, and will tuck you in after a nice short session of tube-fucking.

Cold Calling

If it works for duct cleaning it can probably work for your penis! Take a page out of ever-successful book of telemarketers, by calling literally everyone in your town and asking them if they want to go out with you. Odds are someone will say yes, and this is far less degrading than signing up online, where your ex or high-school friends can finally track you down and make you pay for what you did so many years ago say hi.

Parent-Teacher Nights

Half of the relationships out there started off in some kind of school setting. While you clearly missed the boat on getting hitched during high school or college, there’s still a way for you to find love at this age old institution. Find out when the local school is having its parent-teacher interviews, and try chatting up a few lonely single moms. If you strike out, move on quickly to the teachers – they’re always pre-drinking these things anyways.

Newspaper

They say print is dying so you’d better move fast if you want try finding a girl that way before joining some untested online thing. Maybe go to your great-uncle Charlie for help on this, beacause back in his day it was fairly common to pimp yourself out on the newspaper before catching polio and spending your teenage years in a wheelchair getting handies from nurses. Commonly referred to a Personal Ad, it’s expected that you expose or share one deep and dark secret about yourself in order to gain the trust of whoever may be interested in you. We recommend you write about that gross STI you got from licking that plunger at your friend’s party and then going pee without washing your hands. Or you can talk about that guy you killed off the highway last summer, and yes, we know you did it too, but just like the local DA, we don’t have enough evidence to prosecute.

Skywriting

One final thing before packing it and heading to the hopeless world of online dating is to really put yourself out there for the entire world to see, and that can only really be accomplished via skywriting. Can’t you imagine the story told from your future wife? “It was a hot summer afternoon and I was stretching my neck after staring down at my phone all day and there was his message plastered in the sky: ‘Ey BB, wanna fuk?’ That was the moment I knew my future husband was up there.”

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