5 Things You Drunkenly Put In Your Mouth That Weren’t Toothpaste

We’ve all eaten stuff we’re not proud of, but what if you put the wrong thing in your mouth with the best of intentions? That’s exactly the kind of scenario that happens when you stumble into your bathroom at 3 am to brush your teeth after a night out. Or a night in. We don’t judge your drinking locations.

1. Moisturizer

It’s easy to get this one wrong even when you’re not black-out drunk. Moisturizer, especially hand cream, can look like toothpaste, and even come in a tube like toothpaste! But it will lack the lathering feel of the usual teeth bleacher. You’ll wake up the next morning with a greasy, oily feel in your mouth, and it wasn’t from that carnie you made out with in the hopes of scoring a free giant plush teddy, or a quick handjob behind the Zipper.

2. Shampoo

Ok, so it was actually shower gel, which was more impressive because it has that dual-action cleaner that works on your body and your hair. Sadly in this case it went in your mouth and now the next time you lean in to kiss your girlfriend, they’ll smell taste Herbal Essences, and not the skunky 420 kind that got you fired from your job at the daycare.

3. Toilet Bowl Cleaner

This was borderline forgivable when you actually were blackout drunk and trying to feel your way around the bathroom. A toilet bowl brush feels kind of like a toothbrush and depending on what you eat, kind of tastes and smells like one too. It was harder to understand that time you did in front of your family at Thanksgiving in a botched attempt to end it all. Amateur – next time, use Comet.

4. Vagisil

Probably the only item on this list that is capable of taking care of whatever mess is going on in your mouth. But let’s be honest, it’s pretty confusing how that Vagisil got into your medicine cabinet in the first place.

5. Hemorrhoid Cream

A far more reasonable product to have behind the mirror in the bathroom, this one definitely didn’t help when you want to get those Chiclets of yours all shiny and white. Now your smile is fucked, and it looks like you were sucking off a firehose all night. The joke’s on them, though – it was actually that carnie.




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