5 Times Surprise Dad Dick Ruined Your Childhood

Is there anything more terrifying than your father’s visible penis? Definitely not, especially if you’re still a kid and completely unprepared to be exposed to what your mother affectionately refers to as ‘Peter keep that fucking thing AWAY from me!’

There’s no way of knowing when you’ll accidentally come into visual range of your dad’s big swinging dick, but there are some traumatic (and formative) experiences that are sadly universal. Check out these 5 times surprise poppa’s surprise penis ruined your childhood.

1. The Showers At The Y

You had your towel, your soap-on-a-rope, and your very first swimming badge all piled together on the little shelf in the showers just outside the pool at the YMCA. Suddenly, there it was, its terrifying girth matched only by the shameless freedom with which it roamed the grungy tiles and hairy backs of your early childhood memories. Dad didn’t even dip a toe in the pool, so why the fuck was he showering in the first place? You still had so much to learn.

2. The Baseball Stadium Urinal

‘Eyes-front’ was always your policy at the giant urinal trough in your local AAA-league baseball team’s semi-indoor stadium, but the crash of a drunk falling over by the door triggered an automatic response that turned your head left — and found you looking right into the single, beady eye of your dad’s trouser snake. He wasn’t even pissing, just standing there, frozen like a statue with his hands on his hips, head held back in ecstasy. You feigned stomach cramps and had him drive you home halfway through the next inning, and never sat through another ball game in your life.

3. The Old Swimming Hole

That Tarzan rope swing was a blast that one summer when you were 10 years old, until your dad showed up in his surprisingly baggy swim trunks and decided he was going to ‘show you all how it’s done.’ Is it your imagination, or did time stop so that he could hover just above your head while you stayed there, treading water beneath his bulbous, free-balling chubby, the spell of enchantment broken only by his cannonball splash that signaled the end of your innocence?

4. That Time In Aunt Brenda’s Bedroom

Scary noises waking you up in the middle of the night are bad enough when you’re just a youngin’, but walking past Auntie Brenda’s wide-open guest bedroom door and seeing your dad’s dick — frozen in a flicker of a candle’s flame like some eye-searing zoetrope before it plunged back into darkness — had you sleeping with the lights on until you were 22 years old.

5. During His Trial For Manslaughter

No one’s quite sure why they had to keep showing that one photo over and over and over while the prosecution made its case, but one thing’s for certain: it’s certainly the best photo of your father’s face and/or genitals you’ve ever been forced to look at in a courtroom.

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