5 Times The Safe Word Made Things Much, Much Worse

When you agreed on a safe word, you thought it would give you an easy way out of any potentially uncomfortable situations that might develop. After all, that’s what trust is all about, right – believing that the other person is willing to balance their pleasure with your peace of mind and personal security.

But really, some activities shouldn’t have safe words at all, and the fact that you went out of your way to establish one virtually guaranteed that things were destined to go terribly, terribly wrong. You made it weird right from the start, and it’s too late to do anything about it now, bro.

Check out these 5 times the safe word made things much, much worse.

1. Swimming Lessons As A Teenager

First of all, if you couldn’t swim by the time you were 15 years old, well, that’s just a clear sign you should stay out of the water for the rest of your life. But you just had to sign up for lessons, didn’t you, and when that college kid serving a community service sentence volunteering heard that your safe word was ‘applesauce,’ a subtle switch flipped in his brain that convinced him he was going to teach you how to breath underwater, courtesy of his right foot on your head. Good luck to anyone deciphering that scream of bubbles coming out of your mouth is actually saying. Maybe you didn’t know, but there’s a universal safe word that lets you know someone is drowning. It’s called ‘complete and total silence.’

2. Visiting The Zoo

Do you think that the money throwing its own feces at your head really gives a fuck whether you’re uncomfortable that it’s maintaining eye contact with you while also simultaneously masturbating the monkey beside it the ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE IN THE MONKEY HOUSE? ‘Pistachio’ all you want, bro.

3. Pottery Class

Let’s make sure we’ve got this straight: you were nervous enough to require a safe word for a pottery class, but not at all perturbed by the fact that you were the only student, and that it was held at midnight in an abandoned cargo container behind a Dennys? Screaming ‘elephant! elephant!’ over and over at the top of your lungs isn’t going to stop the teacher from smearing hot clay all over his body and then using his chest to spread it all over yours.

4.Working At Denny’s

Sorry dude, but your safe word isn’t going to keep you from working a double on your son’s birthday. In fact, come in tomorrow, too. For another double. And stop saying ‘Minneapolis.’

5. Child Custody Hearing

Sure, she’s hurting your feelings, and yeah, you were/are/always will be a terrible father, but there’s really no chance that the judge is going to drop that stony look of disapproval and disgust just because you mouthed ‘SIBILANCE’ at him while your wife’s attorney presented photographs of the van you live in behind the cargo container behind the local Denny’s.

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