5 Ways A Vin Diesel Presidency Could Affect The Economy
Insiders are mum on the likelihood that Vin Diesel could upset the apple cart this fall and run as an independent in the race to become the President of the United States of America, but just because his publicist won’t return our calls doesn’t mean that the staff at Manonizer haven’t put together the ultimate analysis of how a Vin Diesel presidency could impact your pocketbook. Forget the cautionary economic tale that is Trump: the world simply isn’t ready for the financial force that is Vin Diesel’s unique outlook on deficit spending.
Check out these 5 ways a Vin Diesel presidency could affect the economy.
1. Pledge of Allegiance replaced with that weird grace said around the picnic table in the first Fast and Furious movie. Sales of tuned port nitrous injection systems skyrocket, decimating America’s relationship with Poland, aka the only place anyone still makes or uses carburetors. Polish sausage disappears from the market virtually overnight, and Wisconsin declares bankruptcy.
2. Diesel issues an executive order requiring that all men speak in a gravelly baritone when in public. Hollywood and Broadway go bust as they frantically redub as many movies as possible after developing an algorithm that splices in Sam Elliot’s dialogue from ‘Road House.’ Opera vanishes from the cultural landscape.
3. Impromptu arm-wrestling disaster with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki results in trade tariffs between Russia and the United States that remain in place until an epic street race can be organized outside the Kremlin. Sales of bootleg ‘Winning’s Winning’ t-shirts with Putin’s face on Diesel’s shirtless body keeps the Russian economy afloat in the meantime.
4. Paul Walker made honorary Ghost Vice-President. All public appearances replaced with a video montage of a smiling Walker set to that ‘Till I See You Again’ song. The cost of the royalties associated with this policy forces the sale of the Naval Observatory and triggers an exorcism in the Oval Office.
5. Cost of buying and burning all copies of ‘The Pacifier’ triples the national debt, kickstarting an economic meltdown not equaled until Secretary of Defense D. Johnson pursues a similar strategy in dealing with what he terms ‘The Tooth Fairy menace.’