5 Ways Current Mustang Owners Can Diss The All-New 2018 Mustang
The redesigned 2018 Ford Mustang has just arrived, and if you already own the current model you may be feeling a little insecure. You originally bought your rear-wheel-drive piece of American pride to pull in the respect and now a new version is coming into town and throwing some shade on your glorious, panty-dropping coupe.
But don’t worry: there’s no reason to be intimidated by the soon-to-be-smug owners of this new Mustang. You’ve faced adversity before – at the Wal-Mart job interview, at the Wendy’s job interview, at the DMV when you refused to take off your shades for your license photo – and there’s no reason to let this new ride come in and bully you around. Here’s 5 ways to hold your own when the new guy flashes his LED headlights or revs his (much) torquier engine at you while you furiously pretend to be adjusting the stereo at the next red light.
1. NO V6, LOL
First of all, if you’re driving around in a V6 Mustang, you’re already letting all the girls know that you’re a budget oriented motorist, but now that the V6 is being cut out of the lineup you’ve just graduated into classic territory. Seriously, your car will probably show up at one of those super fancy Barrett-Jackson auctions 20 years from now with commentators slobbering about ‘the last V6 ever offered by Ford!’ before verbally jizzing all over its hard interior plastics.
Also, don’t forget to spread rumors of a conspiracy that Ford HAD to discontinue the six cylinder engine in order to appease the Democrats in Washington. “It was a political assassination!” you’ll exclaim, while slapping a SIX > FOUR sticker on your rear window.
2. The V8 Is So Bad It Needs TWO Types of Injection?
On the other hand, if you actually own a real Mustang, you know, the one with the V8 engine, you’ve got no shortage of anti-2018 ammunition yourself. Here’s the deal: your 5.0 V8 is so strong, it can generate horsepower just with a single, solitary type of fuel injection, while the (obviously bejanked) new ones have to use TWO kinds just to keep up with your car.
That’s like being on TWO different types of steroids instead of the more reasonable, and honestly easier to score, one – and you know what they say about too much steroids and dick size. They say it makes your dick small. That’s what they say.
3. Digital Dashes Are Unamerican!
New Mustangs also come with a fancy pants digital dashboard. Like your TV, it’s probably made by a Korean company that worships The New Communism, not to mention its vulnerability to Putin’s army of savage hackers. What’s next? Suspension tuned in Canada? Engines made in Spain BY DRUNKARDS? Tell your new Mustang owning friend that his blue-glowing dashboard is defacing the sanctity of the American Icon. Also be sure to accuse him of drinking crappy German or Japanese beer instead of American, or maybe even child slavery. Disgusting.
4. Active Exhaust? STOP FAT SHAMING ME
No matter what kind of fancy pants active exhaust system the new Mustang has, it’ll be no match for the straight pipe you welded on your car. Not only that but it does that bad ass fire-spitting thing that made your neighbors call the cops that one time in July. Does his car spit fire? Fuck no! What a piece of shit. Plus, why should an exhaust be active? Your exhaust eats all the pizza and nachos it wants to and never takes any shit from anyone that says maybe it shouldn’t be wearing yoga pants at a parent-teacher interview. Fuck yeah!
5. MagneRide? More Like Sorcery. BURN IT!
Finally, new Mustang buyers are going bonkers about their new “MagneRide” suspension setup, which uses magnets to somehow make the ride better. How do magnets even work man? It’s magic, or worse, sorcery, and that essentially makes it the Antichrist. When was the last time fucking magnets made anything better? Can you think of a single use for magnets that doesn’t somehow involve ritual sacrifice, Black Mass, or cluttering up your fridge with the disappointing report cards of your children? No way – so get your pitchforks and burn down every new Mustang you see.