5 Ways Losing Your Phone Is Worse Than A Terrorist Attack

Lost Businessman Asking For Help

1. Terrorists are less likely to have 500 pics pictures of your penis easily accessible to them for use in public shaming, as compared to the dick pic bonanza awaiting anyone – lovers, parents, future employer – who might find your phone. Your dick is even your background pic for fuck’s sake! What the hell is wrong with you?

2. If terrorists attack, and you have your phone with you, you can immediately post about it to Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and Facebook. If they don’t attack, and you’ve lost your phone, then you might as well not even fucking exist.

3. If you lose your phone, it means you can’t get any emails from your boss – and if you miss an important one, you’ll be publicly shamed in front of your co-workers, and then fired, forcing you to live in your car and beg for change while doing that trick with your one wonky eye to amuse passing children. If the terrorists attack, you’ll just be dead, probably. Or maimed. Either way, it seems more appealing.

4. Your phone is probably giving you testicular cancer. The terrorists will most likely give you anthrax. Too close to call?

5. If you lose your phone again, then you have to deal with you also lose the opportunity to pull that awesome ‘new phone, who dis?’ gag you’ve been wanting to pull on each and every person you’ve got on your contacts list, because there’s no way you can afford a new phone after losing five in a row. Somehow ‘new biological attack, who dis?’ doesn’t have the same appeal.

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