5 Ways To Avoid Making Eye Contact At Your Father’s Funeral

man in autumn cemetery paying his respects

Your father was a complex man who contained many multitudes. He also happens to be dead. While funerals are a necessary organ of the human grieving process, they also happen to be rife with potential for awkward interactions that could expose to the world the deep pit of emotion inside of you that you’ve worked so hard to keep hidden from everyone – especially your father – for so many years.

Don’t get caught out like a deer in the headlights by the compassionate gaze of a distant relative or family friend that threatens to plumb the depths of your soul and ruin decades of successful empathic avoidance. Check out these 5 ways to avoid making eye contact at your father’s funeral.

1. Focus On The Pain.

Chances are you never had the opportunity to tell your father just how much you loved him while he was still alive – or, alternatively, to what degree you despised the careless, pain-filled trajectory he described through your life. Here’s the thing though: yes, you did. You could have told him at any time, but you didn’t. And now he’s dead. Dead forever. And you’ll never, ever be able to clear that sin of omission from your conscience. So suck on that for a while – it should generate the thousand yard stare needed to drive away funeral attendees who might actually try to make a real connection with you.

2. Wear A Hood Or Mask.

If you father had the decency to die in the weeks leading up to, or trailing away from Halloween, you should be able to easily locate a hood or mask that’s not only tasteless enough to drive away loved ones and distant acquaintances alike, but which also makes eye contact difficult or impossible. If you’re dealing with a spring, summer, or winter death, then just buy a burlap sack and spray paint it black. The fumes will help you get through the ceremony.

3. Play Wonderwall On An Acoustic Guitar.

Raid your childhood bedroom just before the ceremony and grab that Martin replica that’s been hiding in your closet since sophomore year. Don’t even bother to tune it – just start hammering out those familiar chords from the front pew as soon as guests start to arrive. Remember: no one talked to you in college quad, either. Wonderwall is your ticket to being socially shunned.

4. Carve Your Father’s Name Into Your Arm With A Knife.

Short sleeves at a funeral are already a fashion faux pas, but taking it to the next level by way of bloodstained calligraphy on your forearm really sends out a ‘back-off’ signal to everyone around you. Bonus distance gained for every time you smear it on the closest wall, floral arrangement, or your own face.

5. Just Don’t Go.

He wasn’t there for any of your first words, first steps, birthdays, soccer practices, piano recitals, school plays, Scout meetings, graduations, marriages, Nobel prize ceremonies, or other important personal milestones. It’s time to return the favor.

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