5 Ways To Create Stronger Bonds By Forcing Office Secrets

Shut up!

We all know what makes the dream work,  but what if you’re looking for more than just team work. What if you want to create meaningful bonds with your colleagues?

Seriously, don’t you think Justin would make a good poker buddy? Or Luke a great wing man? Think back to all your favorite Applebees or Hooters commercials (and lets face it, all of them are your favorite) and remember that shot with the group of guys coming into the restaurant all happy, about to get loaded with cheap beer and half priced appetizers; that could be you and your work squad if you guys were just closer.

Of course it isn’t easy. Justin’s main hobbies include curling and Zumba which are both too complicated to understand. Luke likes listening to death metal and that’s kinda scary. Jim won’t shut up about his watch (I mean “timepiece”), and Zayne looks Asian but has a Caribbean accent, so you’re always worried about offending him with any kind of joke.

So how do you bring them all together? Easy: a few “Office Secrets.” You could share harmless information like where they keep the extra tissue boxes and hand sanitizer, but that’s the long game. You need a commercial-worthy group of work-bros STAT. So here’s the deal, you make up random facts about the office.

“Carol from accounting is totally embezzling company funds,” is an easy start. No one would dare confront Carol, since she gets their expense cheques to them on time, so your lie is safe. And who knows, maybe she IS stealing from the company. After all she was talking about booking a fancy trip to the Bahamas at an all-inclusive resort; how’d she get all that dough? And why does she have an eye patch? 

Accuse a developer of being a corporate spy, someone who is really digging through all our code and selling information to your rivals. “That’s why the competition caught up so quickly this year,” you explain to your team, and not because you’ve been mismanaging them, as your superiors have suggested, or because you hired your beer league softball buddies so you wouldn’t feel so desperately alone and under-qualified in almost every situation.

One go-to “office secret” you can always use when times are desperate is to concoct a sex scandal. Suggest that whoever recently left the company, did so not because they “had a better offer” like we were told, but instead was caught up using company time to organize an orgy, which was only noticed when the CEO of the company showed up to the event! Point out that you heard the sex was good though, or else no one would believe the story.

Another good idea is to point at the fire sprinklers and explain that they’re totally fake, and you’ve never seen them go off in your many years working here. It’s all a plot to make all worker drones expendable and save the company extra money, a conspiracy which goes straight to the top!

And quite frankly nothing brings a team together better than a corporate conspiracy. Explain that the company’s founder was born a Masonic Grand Master and helped usher in a bunch of tax breaks for companies like yours, and that there’s a phone in the CEO’s office that goes straight to the White House – the real one, that’s buried deep underground. Don’t forget to include references to the Greys and Area 51, and how two of the guys in the graphics departments are aliens in disguise, and that their advertising copy features subliminal messaging that will make your customers less prone to fighting the incoming alien invasion. Trust us, this is the secret that will turn your team into a bunch of bros tighter than the crew from Fast and the Furious.

Good luck, and see you in the next Chili’s commercial with your dream team of office bros!




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