5 Ways to Eat a Salad in Public
You’re a dude. As a dude, you know that you have to eat dude-food, which consists of either grilled meats (preferably red) and a variety of carbohydrates, or possibly Paleo if you’re SUPER SERIOUS about being ripped (which you should be be, bro—seriously, you’ve got to lift). But sometimes, just sometimes, you’ll find yourself eating in a public place, and you’ll be overcome by a strange, even unnatural urge. You’ll look at the menu, and while your brothers in arms are ordering burgers and steaks and high-protein, high energy MAN FOOD, you’ll be staring longingly at the soup and salad section.
And it won’t be the minestrone that’s caught your eye. It will be the girliest food of all—the salad. You’ll try to resist it. You’ll try to push yourself to order something that befits your status as a dude. But try as you might, the craving for fresh veggies and a nice balsamic will be overwhelming.
If you find yourself facing this kind of struggle, I feel you, man. I’ve been there. And so I’ve created for you a list of 5 ways you can order that garden salad, and even eat it in front of your dude-friends, without losing your hard-earned dude cred. I got you, bro. I got you.
1. Pretend you are ordering the salad for a lady. There is nothing dudelier than ordering on behalf of a woman—everyone knows that women can’t make choices for themselves, so ordering a salad for a girl helps her maintain her figure and shows everybody what a gentleman you are. Tell your bros that the lady at the next table over is going to be eating the salad. When it arrives, you can pretend to absentmindedly eat it the way you might absentmindedly eat all the food on your girlfriend’s plate. Totally dudely, totally cool, totally helping the ladies stay sexy.
2. Order the salad, but do it angrily, like somebody is forcing you to. If your bros ask you about it, just tell them you don’t want to talk about it and slam your fist into the table. Anger is the only acceptable manly emotion, and if you display enough of it, no one, NO ONE will doubt that you are the bro-est of the bros.
3. When you are ordering your salad, tell the waitress that you want a huge hunk of some sort of grilled meat on top of it. The grilled meat will help distract your bros from the salad hidden beneath it.
4. Hit on the waitress. Order the salad, and then tell your bros that you are doing it to show her what a sensitive, evolved guy you are. Hitting on a lady is a totally acceptable reason for ordering a salad. If the waitress is a dude, say you are doing it to impress another attractive lady in the restaurant. Ladies are super impressed by salads.
5. Get up to use the john while your dudes are ordering. While you’re up, order your salad in a to go container. Eat it in the bathroom. When you return to the table, tell them there’s been a work emergency, or that your super hot girlfriend has been hit by a car. Leave immediately.
And it’s as easy as that, my dudes. If you find yourself with an overwhelming craving for green vegetables, just remember my tips. You’re the only one who will know that you love a good vinaigrette or the taste of arugula—you alone will know your shame, and you can continue to secretly cry in the bathroom every morning, just like everybody else.