5 Ways To Explain Away That Painful Feeling In Your Chest

Senior business man with aching heart holding his chest

It’s there. That vaguely constrictive sensation that something in your chest is tightening in a way it really shouldn’t. How can this be? You’re a (relatively) young buck, a little gray around the temples maybe, but who isn’t at 29 on Wall Street?

Is it genetic? If only you knew more about your father than what his signature looked like on a boarding school payment check. Could it be lifestyle? You barely eat, and alcohol is a preservative, right?

Why get too introspective? When it’s time, it’s time, and maybe it’s time right now because after the last few years at a trading desk the void must look more than a bit appealing.

Still, if you ever get curious, here’s 5 ways to explain away that painful feeling in your chest that won’t require you to examine anything about your life.

1. It’s Probably The Last Bit Of Your Conscience Dying

Last week you sold off your international arms positions to bolster up your sweat shop portfolio. Then you flipped an asbestos mine for a Brazilian cattle ranch / forestry conglomerate. That tightening around your heart? That’s the angel on your shoulder hanging itself from your left ventricle.

2. Scar Tissue Is A Bitch

You can only stab yourself through your breastplate with an epi-pen so many times before there’s so much scar tissue surrounding your chest cavity that it could stop a .22 at point-blank range. Maybe signing up for Amazon Cocaine Prime wasn’t such a good idea, after all.

3. A Gnawing, Existential Dread Stemming Back To Childhood

You’ll never be older than you are the day you die. Think about that for a while.

4. A Physical Manifestation Of The Pact You Made With Two Friends That Hot, Humid Night In 1997 On A Back Road In Mississippi After A Kid Rock Show That Hasn’t Allowed You To Sleep Through The Night Since

5. That Shot Glass You Ate On A Dare

It never did come out, did it?




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