5 Ways To Get Consent From A Horse

Icelandic horses - man petting horse on Iceland. Man in Icelandi
Let’s face it – horses are the sexiest four-legged animals on earth. Not only that, but they might even be magical, which makes it frustrating that the court system still hasn’t caught up to the very real, and wonderful, phenomenon of equestrian/sapiens love. Friendship is magic, and magic deserves a majority judgment from the SCOTUS.

How can you get consent from a horse so you can consummate your passion without doing time? You probably can’t, and should just give up now. But let’s face it, if you weren’t already committed to this, you wouldn’t still be reading, would you? So here you go.

1. Try A Sugar Cube

Everyone likes sugar cubes, including horses. A pocket full of sugar cubes usually means the undivided attention of whatever stallion – or filly – has caught your eye. Maybe, just maybe, while they’re licking processed sugar off of your palm, they’ll whisper ‘yes, I’m ready,’ into you ear, opening you up to a world of interspecies pleasure you’ve never before imagined. Except for the fact that horses can’t speak, and that barrier will forever keep you on this side of a very firm legal line, with nothing but a wet, sticky palm to show for it.

2. Try A Pantomime Horse

Look, you can’t get a real horse to consent to the evil acts broiling around your brain, you should at least be able to convince your hand to take part – and then simply slide those naughty, dirty digits inside an alarmingly anatomically-accurate hand-puppet and let nature take its course.

3. Try Not Going Near The Barn

Nothing good ever happens to you in the barn, so why do you keep coming back?

4. Try Dating A Human Being

Humans are like horses, except they also happen to be sentient, and fully capable of communicating their consent to you. You also don’t have to hang out behind the barn, waiting for the stable hand to head home for the night, before you can ‘talk’ to them. Really, strongly, consider the benefits of same-species love before you end up on an episode of ‘To Catch A Horse Predator’ for the seventh time.

5. Try A Carrot

Everyone likes carrots…awww, fuck it.

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