5 Ways to Keep Her On the Hook, Bro

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So, you’ve met a hot chick. Naturally, you don’t actually want to date her or, like, put any effort in to treating her like a human being. But despite your complete lack of effort or respect for her humanity (LOL! Am I right, bro??), you still want to keep the option of boning her open, should you feel like it at some undetermined point in the future. The question is—how can you avoid having to do the hard, gross work of being respectful without making her actively dislike you enough to refuse to sleep with you? Once again, I got you, bro.

1. Respond to Facebook messages, but wait a MINIMUM of one week after you’ve seen them to do so. This lets her know that she’s totally unimportant to you, but since you do eventually reply, she can’t really get mad at you. Score!

2. When you do reply, keep your messages positive, terse, and non-committal. One word answers like “lol” and “ya” are your friends here. If you make plans, always make sure they’re as vague as possible so you can flake on them if you feel like doing something more important, like getting high and masturbating to the collection of vintage ‘90s lingerie catalogues you’ve amassed off of eBay. Lucky for us, most ladies are already scared of seeming crazy, so they will never, ever call you on this.

3. If you have to have an actual conversation with her (NOT ADVISED) make sure you constantly mention how busy you are and how stressful your life is. As a lady, of course, the only stress she experiences is the stress of choosing a new haircut or figuring out whether those pants make her butt look big. She’ll totally understand that your dude stress is wicked important and totally overwhelming, and she’ll lower her expectations accordingly. And lowered expectations = more chances to bang her without treating her like a person!

4. If the lady in question stops messaging you or trying to make plans, make sure to get in touch with her at random intervals. Don’t really say anything—just send her a smiley emoji or some shit. This shows her that you’re a chill dude who might eventually respond to her messages in a timely fashion and actually keep plans, if she just sticks it out long enough.

5. If she eventually unfriends you on Facebook, and you happen to notice when you’re attempting a booty call three months after your first date, send her a bunch of sad face emojis. That way, she’ll know how sensitive and caring you are. She’ll feel super bad for hurting your feelings, bro, and making ladies feel bad for you is half the battle when you’re trying to go on a trip to pound town!

It’s really that easy, bro. If you follow these easy steps, you’ll be able to keep ladies on the hook for weeks or even months before they start telling everybody what a fuckboy you are. And by that time, you’ll probably have found a few new babes to jerk around anyway. Onwards and upwards, my bro. Onwards and upwards.

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