5 Ways To Not Think About Your Probably Cancerous Rash

Portrait of a businessman at work suffering from shoulder pain.

You’re going to die one day, and there’s really nothing you can do about that. Entropy takes us all. What you can control is whether you obsess about that probably cancerous rash you found after the shower just before bed last night, or whether you throw caution, and sunscreen, to the wind and just live life to its fullest.

Check out these 5 ways to not think about your probably cancerous rash.

1. Didn’t Your Dad Die From A Rash?

Well, this hasn’t gotten off to a good start, has it?

2. Convince Yourself It’s Fungal, Then Discover Fungal Cancer Online

There’s no way you’re going to sleep tonight after this particular trip down WebMD’s hallowed halls, so you might as well spend the next 12 hours Googling images of leprosy and trying to figure out if skin transplants are a viable option.

3. Your Brain Tumor Will Probably Get You First

If you ARE going to die from cancer, rest assured that the rash will probably get beaten to the punch by a brain tumor, or throat cancer, or cancer in an organ that serves no other function than to fill with metastasized cells like your gall bladder or left testicle.

4. Didn’t Steve McQueen Die From Rash Cancer?

No, his cancer was completely invisible, and not at all embarrassing at the public pool. Wait, was your dad Steve McQueen?

5. No One Will Hold A Marathon For You

For rash cancer? Are you fucking crazy? What color would that ribbon be, ‘uncomfortable crimson?’ Get real.

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