5 Ways To Subtly Undermine A Co-Worker

Businessmen fighting in the office

Let’s face it: as long as you have co-workers, you will continually be passed over for promotion. In any A-B comparison between you and another human being at your company, you will always finish in second place. There’s nothing you can do about you – that die was cast the minute your mother and father spun the wheel on the genetic lottery – and really, why would you want to? Self-improvement is a treacherous personal climb while sabotaging someone else’s life is a quick and easy slippery slope all the way to the bottom.

Here are 5 ways to subtly undermine a co-worker and snag that corner office.

1. Invite Him/Her To A Meeting Held In A Closet That Locks From The Outside

‘That’s strange,’ thinks Karen/Rob. ‘We don’t usually meet in Utility Room C.’ Precisely the point, Karen/Rob. Precisely the point.

2. Stage Their Death

Print up 25 newspapers with a headline that reads ‘Dave/Julie Killed In Car Accident.’ Distribute them throughout the office. If you’re feeling up to it, add salacious details such as what they were wearing at the time of the accident (nothing) and their blood-alcohol level (pickled). Then take the day off – you deserve it.

3. Chart Their Eye Movements

Each and every second your co-worker spends not looking at their computer screen is the equivalent of stealing directly from the company. Keep track of their gaze hourly over the course of every work day. Make a chart and slide it under your boss’ door. Use multiple hi-liters. Have fun with it.

4. Create An Evidence Chain

Register your co-worker’s name as a URL, and then start sending them a series of increasingly personal emails about your their fear of failure from ‘coworker@coworker.com’ to their work address. BCC your boss. BCC HR. BCC GIF, JPG, WOW, BBW, MMORPGs TGIF, ZZT, YUL.

5.  Bring A Skeleton To Work

Buy a skeleton from an online science supply store and park it in your shared cubicle. Name it ‘Ray/Lisa.’ Feed it. Ignore the mess. Remove one bone a day until the pile on your desk interferes with your ability to answer the phone. At the end of the month, leave the bones on the hood of your boss’ car.

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