5 Ways Your Phone Is More Fascinating Than This Wedding

Portrait of a middle aged man using cell phone with men in the b

Wedding season. Are there two words that evoke more dread amongst attached, but not really looking to ‘seal the deal’ men under the age of 30? There’s nothing like sitting beside your date as someone else acts out her nuptial dream’s elusive pageantry so she can silently judge you for not proposing during that ‘perfect moment’ just after her father’s successful triple-bypass surgery.

But don’t worry – you’ve got your phone. And here are 5 ways it’s way more fascinating than this fucking wedding.

1. Your Phone Understands What The Word Forever Means

Thanks to its ability to access dictionary.com, your phone will never make the mistake of attempting to apply the concept of ‘forever’ to something as ephemeral as the attraction that flits between two human beings for what amounts to not even a heartbeat on a geological time scale. It also won’t try to make someone’s father pay for a giant party.

2. Your Phone Isn’t Afraid It’s Going To Die Alone

Your phone knows it has an expiration date. One day, a better, younger, faster, smoother, brighter phone will come home in your pocket, and the old phone will sit in a drawer, in the dark, until you remember to throw it away. Your phone is comfortable with this, and certainly doesn’t feel the need to cling desperately to some other phone in the hopes that the abyss of eternity is somehow less frightening if you bring a friend.

3. Your Phone Didn’t ‘Maybe Cheat’ At Its Bachelor Party

If technically, cheating means you have to take your pants off, then your phone is in the clear. If cheating is instead defined as ‘any type of penetration,’ well, then, some secrets you’ll just have to take to the grave, won’t you?

4. Your Phone’s Battery Will Last Through The Entire Reception

Unlike, say, your cousin Steve, who won’t even make it past the ceremonial first dance before he’s somehow lost his pants on the way to finding his groove out on the dance floor.

5. Your Phone Won’t Try To Pressure You Into A Long Term Contract During The Trip Home

There’s no way your phone will turn off its ringer, silence all notifications, and dim its screen if you provide it with the wrong answer to a question that wasn’t really being asked, but was totally being asked, all night long.

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