5 Worst Ways to Quench Your Thirst at the Doctor’s Office

What’s worse than a visit to the doctor? How about an afternoon spent in a sweltering hot waiting room at the clinic that gets you so thirsty your saliva starts to crystallize inside your mouth!

You’re dying for a drink, but the water fountain’s broken and you don’t have any quarters for the vending machine that only sells Ensure. As soon as the doc leaves the room to go ‘get your chart,’ you might be tempted to take a look around for something cool and wet to put in your mouth – but it’s easy to make a terrible, terrible mistake here, just like you did at summer camp that one time.

Check out the 5 worst ways to quench your thirst at the doctor’s office.

1. Whatever That Jar Of Yellow Liquid Might Be

It’s sitting there up on the shelf behind her desk, in that jar labeled ‘SPECIMEN.’ Maybe that’s the name of some new, experimental Mountain Dew flavor? MOUNTAIN DEW: SPECIMEN! Yeah. It’s probably delicious, but on the off-chance that Frito-Lay isn’t conducting secret market research in a private medical clinic, it’s likely also laced with all types of disease and bacteria that won’t party nicely in your bloodstream.

2. X-Ray Machine

How long would you have to stick your head in that portable X-ray machine before your brain was no longer capable of processing the ‘thirsty’ signal from your body? Long enough to also probably forget why you came to the doctor’s office in the first place. It’s win-win.

3. Rubbing Alcohol

Ohhhhh, rubbing alcohol, you ancient temptress you! Don’t fall for it a second time today! It will just end in tears, regret, and drunk-dialing your ex. And maybe blindness.

4. The ‘Shine You Brought From Home

Ohhhhh, ‘shine, you ancient temptress you! Don’t fall for it a second time today! It will just end in tears, regret, and drunk-dialing your ex. And maybe definitely blindness.

5. The Mind-Control Serum She Told You Was Just Water But You Know The Truth

Did she REALLY expect you to drink that poison as soon as she left the room? Sure, you’re mega-thirsty, but you’ve worked so hard to keep the government cenobites nanobites out of your body that you’re not about to jeopardize that now by quenching your – well, maybe just a sip. Oh. Oh, that was good. What were we talking about again?

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