6 Most Sensual Plants to Have In Your House
Women are a very observant species. They notice things and take notes about them. They can draw connections between something they see and something they think. It’s a confusing contrast to how we as men react to the world, especially in a court room where traditional male strategies like pointing and yelling have little or no impact on getting out of a parking ticket.
Similarly, the way a woman encounters a plant in your home can affect your chances at furthering your physical relationship with her. Plants are very sexual items: they have genders and things like “ovaries” and “receptacles” and “plant penises.” Trust us, we’re “plant gynecologists”. Here are the best plants to keep around the house when it’s time to get chloro-bizzy.
1. Bonsai Trees
Have you ever noticed the bush on the Bonsai plant? Doesn’t it remind you of something? Like a bush? She’ll come to the same connection too and get curious and inquisitive about your grooming habits south of the border. This is also the perfect opening for you to drop your trousers and point to your bush while screaming “BONSAIII!”
This goes several ways, if you get what I mean. No, not like your college roommate that one October evening – but simply put, lucky bamboo can get the girl thinking she’ll get luck. If she’s more visual, you may be better off getting a piece of bamboo that matches the curvature of your dick. That’ll certainly get her imagination going, but lets just hope you can stay as hard as that plant after she’s done laughing at your waterslide cock.
Having a cactus in plain sight will lead to lots of playful sexual innuendo. You can discuss how they can go so long without needing a splash of water, much like you and how long you can go without getting your dick wet. You can keep saying the word ‘horny’ instead of ‘thorny.’ And after your girlfriend pricks herself with it, you can also explain that like a shark, you’re attracted to blood. Like a vampire. A menstrual vampire. From the desert.
How else do you get your autoerotic asphyxiation on? These vines say “Choke me bitch! Harder, Harder!” so you don’t have to (because you’re crying too hard to form words).
5. Errectus Tree
You know this tree, it’s got branches that look like dicks and leaves that look like ballsacks. It’s like an all-natural dick-pic, unlike that last dick-pic you sent that was really just a baseball bat wrapped in paper mache… It worked really well with that one girl who was impressed with your DIY skills, but trust us, this dick-plant requires far less crafting skills.
6. Money Bush
Remember how your dad kept saying “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” He was right: they grow on convenient little bushes you can keep in your home that make all your dates know you’re loaded. Nothing gets a girl in the mood like a little green.