6 Signs Your Car Is Possessed By A Demon
Let’s be real guys, the modern automobile is the result of pure magic. Sure, all those magazines and sales people claim that these wonderful objects are the product of ‘engineering’ and ‘research,’ but the truth is, they’re as magical as Harry Potter and Santa Claus singing a karaoke version of ‘California Girls’ in Cabo.
What’s the catch? I mean, magic is all around us, right? Especially friendship – according to that show about toy horses that you totally don’t watch. The trouble is, anything magical can easily be possessed by a dark spirit intent on wreaking havoc in the material world, and while clickity-clicking around the internet might suggest that problematic cars can be “taken it in for service” and that you should maybe “change the oil” or ‘install the donk,’ the truth is, what you really need is an exorcist.
Check out this handy list to determine what kind of demonic possession is afflicting your ride.
1. Electronic glitches
This is a commonly misinterpreted problem. While those not versed in the world of the paranormal will suggest you have a ‘problem with one of your fuses’ or that ‘your battery is dead,’ the true reason for your flickering lights or non functional buttons is far more violent than you’d ever believe. See it starts with Nikolai Tesla and Thomas Edison, who have been arguing and fighting for unanimous recognition of being the “father of electricity.” Their fight has transitioned from the physical world into the paraphysical plane, and the only solution is chanting Bible versus backwards while sticking a fork in an electrical socket.
Occasionally former AC/DC lead singer Bon Scott shows up to provide a dramatic soundtrack to their battles, which is why your car radio freaks out too. And also why it’s drunk.
2. Frequent Theft or Break-Ins
No, there’s nothing wrong with your locks, so you should get off the phone with your insurance company (which is likely located in one of the circles of hell.) This is actually the work of Surgat, a demon that is also known as ‘he who opens all locks,’ and ‘stop stealing my shit Surgat.’ He looks a lot like one of the kids in your neighborhood who has a full beard at 13 and leaves his cigarette butts in your front yard.
3. Road Rage
Do you find yourself getting irrationally upset when driving in your car? Swearing and cursing in whatever creative way pops into your mind, when normally you have the mindset of a monk? My friend, your car has the spirit of Agares in it. See, he teaches all languages, INCLUDING the most offensive and racially charged slurs. He typically leaves his mark in the stalls of your elementary school, where he Sharpies in all the bad words he can before being banished from our realm and probably into your car during the rush hour commute.
If you find yourself with too many speeding tickets, it’s likely that the demon Asmodeus has taken residence in your vehicle. Sly ole Asmodeus, he’s the demon of carnal desire and has convinced your whip that it’s a Mustang. Or if it actually is a Mustang, it’ll act like a BMW. Or I guess if it’s a BMW, it’s acting like a Ferrari… Which if you had a Ferrari, Asmodeus would make it act like a rental Toyota. Whatever it’s acting like, it’s blazing a trail and you shouldn’t be held responsible! And no, this isn’t unintended acceleration, so tell your lawyer friend (also a demon, most likely) to get back to chasing ambulances (for the fresh, delicious organs held within).
Every time you have somewhere to be your ride inexplicably coughs up some oil, or a transmission. This is the work of Aka Manah, a demon whose sole purpose is to make people not fulfill their promises. Exorcise that beast and get back to taking control of your life, rather than being the dead-beat dad who drunkenly forgets his son after soccer practice. It was Aka Manah’s fault your honor! I swear!
6. Crappy Reception
How many times has this played out on the road: you’re driving along jamming out to your tunes and suddenly just as the song is about to hit its sexy saxophone climax, you get horrible static. This is the work of King Beleth, a sovereign from Hell who commands many demon armies. However, it’s said that when he rides into battle, all different kinds of music is heard at the same time, which is why all you’re hearing is static. Well, sorry to break it to you, but not only is your car possessed by a demon of the netherworld, you’ve been conscripted by the kind of guy who has no specific taste in music and probably changes each and every song on his iTunes before it’s finished playing WHILE YOU ARE STRAPPED TO THE PASSENGER SEAT SCREAMING.